mirrored my inner state.
Uneasy silence surrounded us the sun slipped into the unsettled ocean. The sky darkened and the clouds, purple/blue just minutes ago, yielded to gray/black. The wind picked up, making the leaves rustle eerily. Samuel, facing me, stared deeply into my eyes. I felt naked, disoriented, suffocated. I had to escape this unwelcome intrusion into my private world. I wanted to run away from this odd man and escape from this now seemingly strange place, but I could not.
I felt frozen, physically and emotionally spent. Finally, after what seemed an eternity and with the lump in my throat finally receding, I was finally able to choke out, more shaken than angry,"You don’t know anything about me. What makes you think you know what or how I’ve been feeling?"
At my question Samuel turned his face away from me and, gazing toward the water said, "Sadness casts a long, dark shadow."
He got up. I remained sitting, watching him walk into the night shadows that had overtaken everything.
Once home, the events kept replaying obsessively in my head. What was that guy talking about? Sure, I was feeling stressed, who wouldn’t with all of the crap going on in the world? And on top of that, I was dealing with my mom’s recent death, a bizarre event magnified by it’s closeness in time to the grotesque carnage in New York on 9/11. I rationalized that maybe he was a park con man looking for some cash to fund his weird cat feeding habit. Maybe he was an alcoholic, or, because I was at the park so often, maybe he was an undercover cop checking me out. My mind spun one fantastical notion after another for hours on end, but the more I tried to dismiss what had happened, the more I was sure that none of my wild scenarios were right. Around 3am I found myself drifting into an uneasy sleep.
In my dream I found myself looking at the universe littered with stars, but I sensed that something was not quite right. It took me a moment to realize that the stars, while beautiful, were slightly out of focus, like a photo that was just fuzzy enough to catch your attention. And, in the split second of that insight, two things happened; the stars effortlessly ‘slipped’ into place and I simultaneously felt the loving presence of my mother envelope me, and in that instant I ‘knew’ without a doubt that whatever had gone wrong in the operating room and regardless of the sadness and guilt I may have felt surrounding her death, she was okay and this dream was her way of reassuring me that she was fine.
I woke with my eyes full of tears and with a deep sense of gratitude and wonder. Oddly enough, the memory of my mom on her death bed, an image that had haunted my waking moments was gone, replaced by various memories of times we shared together, and where before I only saw her laying in the hospital bed with eyes closed, I now could remember her smiling face and hear her girl-like laugh. But what surprised me most was a sense of relief as I realized that I’d released the guilt I’d been harboring. Gone was the idea that it was my fault she’d died, the notion that, if I had just tried hard enough or been a good enough son, I could have saved her life. I suddenly became conscious of the falseness of that thought and I understood that, in one way or another, I’d been trying to do the impossible, to save my mother’s life, ever since I was a five year old child. Now, as I lay experiencing a deep sense of calm, I thought of Samuel. Strangely, I sensed that somehow he was instrumental my having this insight. I felt that he knew something important, some information or knowledge, something I’d been seeking all of my life which I couldn’t even name. I wasn’t sure what he knew, but as I drifted back to sleep, I knew this, I had to find Samuel.
Part 2
“Samuel, I’m sorry I freaked out and ran away”. I felt terribly awkward saying these words to Samuel as he fed the cats. I sensed he wasn’t being rude but rather I got the distinct impression that his silence, and his attention , fully focused on the cats, was in some strange way an initiation or a lesson.
I decided I’d go with my intuition and, rather than become reactive and angry at being ignored, as I normally would, I decided to sit on the same park bench where several days ago Samuel had first spoken to me.
Tired to the point of exhaustion, I closed my eyes and, ignoring the usual distractions offered by my mind, I could just make out the sound of Samuel speaking to his beloved cats.
“Don’t be greedy Onyx, in this world there’s enough to go around.” he said to the high-strung jet-black cat. Chatterbox, mewing loudly as usual, was next in line to be fed and caressed. “You are such a loving girl” he said as I imagined him scratching that special kitty-spot right at the base of her ears. Finally it was Maxi’s turn. Samuel’s voice became especially soothing as he spoke to him and I was amazed to her him say, “I am so grateful to have you as my friend.”
Samuel stopped speaking. The only sound I could make out was that particular guttural noise that only contented cats can make. As I focused on this deeply soothing sound my mind became unusually quite and, in a flash I realized that, for the first time, my incessant, lifelong mind-chatter was, incredibly, absent. I also noticed that I was barely, if at all, breathing. It was as if with the cessation of thought, time stood still and even the need to inhale and exhale went by the wayside. I remained in this state, a condition I can only call bliss, for an unspecified length of time. It was only when I heard Samuel, as in a dream, call my name that gradually I came back to my normal state.
I opened my eyes to the most magnificent sunset I’d ever seen. The Pacific Ocean was cobalt blue and the sky was streaked with majestic purple and jagged pink clouds, a sight so beautiful that I began to tear up as my spirit reveled in the sheer beauty of existence. I sensed Samuel sitting next to me and I felt that he was, in some inexplicable way, responsible, not only for the deep meditative state I’d just experienced, but also, again inexplicably, for the heartbreakingly beautiful sunset now fading into evening.
I turned to Samuel and now it was I who looked deeply into his eyes. I had to be sure I was not imagining the significance I attributed to the events of the last few days. I sensed that I was about to embark on a journey for which I was destined on a path I’d been awaiting all my whole life. I was looking for reassurance while knowing full well that such a thing was not forthcoming.
Part 3
Samuel had an unusual fashion sense. He always wore a bright yellow, red or orange jogging suit along with black tennis shoes. Unlike most jogging suits, his carried no logo and the material shimmered softly in the Santa Monica sun giving him a warm aura-like effect. In the winter he’d add a knitted cap of the same color as the suit he was wearing. The colors of his jogging suits reminded me of the vibrant tones found in the clothing found in travel brochures for India or China. I assumed his uniform, Samuel’s term not mine, was due to his work with the cats. Even though it was illegal, he was always climbing over the low white fence to get access to the cats. Being feral, they generally gave humans a wide berth so Samuel would lug a twenty pound bag of dry feed over the fence, toss over the many bowls he used each day and then, with his feeding task done, get everything back over the fence and into his vintage VW Bug.
By now I had started to help Samuel in feeding the cats. My involvement was an organic affair, he didn’t ask me to help and he took it in stride when I began to assist him as he made his daily rounds. I would carry the bag of food and hand it to Samuel after he’d hopped the fence. I’d join him on the other side and we’d begin our day, he calling to the cats in between I was surprised to see how many cats lived in these cliffs facing the vast Pacific Ocean. These kitty’s had million dollar views and daily room service to boot!
I once asked Samuel why he fed the cats. I was floored by his reply.
“I once had a cat named Robert” he began, “one of the most extraordinary creatures I’ve ever had the privilege to know. Robert was taken to the local animal shelter where I volunteered by someone who found him unconscious on the street. He had been badly beaten by some sadistic kids who were eventually caught after weeks if terrorizing neighborhood pets. When I saw the condition Robert was in I was filled with a rage I didn’t know I possessed. I wanted to find the boys who had hurt this innocent creature and beat the living hell out of them. I wanted to make them suffer the way that they had made this poor creature suffer. Frankly, I was shocked at the depth and violence of my anger. I’d always considered myself a peaceful man so finding this fury within myself both scared and surprised me. Now Jon, I swear what happened next is true. Robert looked at me with his wide orange eyes and in my mind I heard Robert say, as clear as day, ‘Do not hate them. Those boys never could have caught me if I wanted to get away. I let them catch me and I willingly allowed them to beat me. It was a lesson I was brought here to deliver to those boys so that they would learn the meaning of compassion.’ In that moment, two things happened in me simultaneously. First, I thought I was crazy. Second, something exploded in my heart and I began to sob like I’d never cried in my life. It was as if all of the anger I’d harbored for forty years was instantly discharged. That night I took Robert home and so began my love for Robert and all cats. As far as I’m concerned, they are the wisest creatures on earth.”
My first inclination was to see if Samuel was pulling my leg. His sense of humor was as vibrant as his jogging suits and I often had to double-check to make sure Robert wasn’t using wittiness to get my full attention. But it was clear that this was not a story told for laughs. Samuel’s eyes were filled with tears and his voice quivered as he told me of Robert. I said noting but I resolved
Uneasy silence surrounded us the sun slipped into the unsettled ocean. The sky darkened and the clouds, purple/blue just minutes ago, yielded to gray/black. The wind picked up, making the leaves rustle eerily. Samuel, facing me, stared deeply into my eyes. I felt naked, disoriented, suffocated. I had to escape this unwelcome intrusion into my private world. I wanted to run away from this odd man and escape from this now seemingly strange place, but I could not.
I felt frozen, physically and emotionally spent. Finally, after what seemed an eternity and with the lump in my throat finally receding, I was finally able to choke out, more shaken than angry,"You don’t know anything about me. What makes you think you know what or how I’ve been feeling?"
At my question Samuel turned his face away from me and, gazing toward the water said, "Sadness casts a long, dark shadow."
He got up. I remained sitting, watching him walk into the night shadows that had overtaken everything.
Once home, the events kept replaying obsessively in my head. What was that guy talking about? Sure, I was feeling stressed, who wouldn’t with all of the crap going on in the world? And on top of that, I was dealing with my mom’s recent death, a bizarre event magnified by it’s closeness in time to the grotesque carnage in New York on 9/11. I rationalized that maybe he was a park con man looking for some cash to fund his weird cat feeding habit. Maybe he was an alcoholic, or, because I was at the park so often, maybe he was an undercover cop checking me out. My mind spun one fantastical notion after another for hours on end, but the more I tried to dismiss what had happened, the more I was sure that none of my wild scenarios were right. Around 3am I found myself drifting into an uneasy sleep.
In my dream I found myself looking at the universe littered with stars, but I sensed that something was not quite right. It took me a moment to realize that the stars, while beautiful, were slightly out of focus, like a photo that was just fuzzy enough to catch your attention. And, in the split second of that insight, two things happened; the stars effortlessly ‘slipped’ into place and I simultaneously felt the loving presence of my mother envelope me, and in that instant I ‘knew’ without a doubt that whatever had gone wrong in the operating room and regardless of the sadness and guilt I may have felt surrounding her death, she was okay and this dream was her way of reassuring me that she was fine.
I woke with my eyes full of tears and with a deep sense of gratitude and wonder. Oddly enough, the memory of my mom on her death bed, an image that had haunted my waking moments was gone, replaced by various memories of times we shared together, and where before I only saw her laying in the hospital bed with eyes closed, I now could remember her smiling face and hear her girl-like laugh. But what surprised me most was a sense of relief as I realized that I’d released the guilt I’d been harboring. Gone was the idea that it was my fault she’d died, the notion that, if I had just tried hard enough or been a good enough son, I could have saved her life. I suddenly became conscious of the falseness of that thought and I understood that, in one way or another, I’d been trying to do the impossible, to save my mother’s life, ever since I was a five year old child. Now, as I lay experiencing a deep sense of calm, I thought of Samuel. Strangely, I sensed that somehow he was instrumental my having this insight. I felt that he knew something important, some information or knowledge, something I’d been seeking all of my life which I couldn’t even name. I wasn’t sure what he knew, but as I drifted back to sleep, I knew this, I had to find Samuel.
Part 2
“Samuel, I’m sorry I freaked out and ran away”. I felt terribly awkward saying these words to Samuel as he fed the cats. I sensed he wasn’t being rude but rather I got the distinct impression that his silence, and his attention , fully focused on the cats, was in some strange way an initiation or a lesson.
I decided I’d go with my intuition and, rather than become reactive and angry at being ignored, as I normally would, I decided to sit on the same park bench where several days ago Samuel had first spoken to me.
Tired to the point of exhaustion, I closed my eyes and, ignoring the usual distractions offered by my mind, I could just make out the sound of Samuel speaking to his beloved cats.
“Don’t be greedy Onyx, in this world there’s enough to go around.” he said to the high-strung jet-black cat. Chatterbox, mewing loudly as usual, was next in line to be fed and caressed. “You are such a loving girl” he said as I imagined him scratching that special kitty-spot right at the base of her ears. Finally it was Maxi’s turn. Samuel’s voice became especially soothing as he spoke to him and I was amazed to her him say, “I am so grateful to have you as my friend.”
Samuel stopped speaking. The only sound I could make out was that particular guttural noise that only contented cats can make. As I focused on this deeply soothing sound my mind became unusually quite and, in a flash I realized that, for the first time, my incessant, lifelong mind-chatter was, incredibly, absent. I also noticed that I was barely, if at all, breathing. It was as if with the cessation of thought, time stood still and even the need to inhale and exhale went by the wayside. I remained in this state, a condition I can only call bliss, for an unspecified length of time. It was only when I heard Samuel, as in a dream, call my name that gradually I came back to my normal state.
I opened my eyes to the most magnificent sunset I’d ever seen. The Pacific Ocean was cobalt blue and the sky was streaked with majestic purple and jagged pink clouds, a sight so beautiful that I began to tear up as my spirit reveled in the sheer beauty of existence. I sensed Samuel sitting next to me and I felt that he was, in some inexplicable way, responsible, not only for the deep meditative state I’d just experienced, but also, again inexplicably, for the heartbreakingly beautiful sunset now fading into evening.
I turned to Samuel and now it was I who looked deeply into his eyes. I had to be sure I was not imagining the significance I attributed to the events of the last few days. I sensed that I was about to embark on a journey for which I was destined on a path I’d been awaiting all my whole life. I was looking for reassurance while knowing full well that such a thing was not forthcoming.
Part 3
Samuel had an unusual fashion sense. He always wore a bright yellow, red or orange jogging suit along with black tennis shoes. Unlike most jogging suits, his carried no logo and the material shimmered softly in the Santa Monica sun giving him a warm aura-like effect. In the winter he’d add a knitted cap of the same color as the suit he was wearing. The colors of his jogging suits reminded me of the vibrant tones found in the clothing found in travel brochures for India or China. I assumed his uniform, Samuel’s term not mine, was due to his work with the cats. Even though it was illegal, he was always climbing over the low white fence to get access to the cats. Being feral, they generally gave humans a wide berth so Samuel would lug a twenty pound bag of dry feed over the fence, toss over the many bowls he used each day and then, with his feeding task done, get everything back over the fence and into his vintage VW Bug.
By now I had started to help Samuel in feeding the cats. My involvement was an organic affair, he didn’t ask me to help and he took it in stride when I began to assist him as he made his daily rounds. I would carry the bag of food and hand it to Samuel after he’d hopped the fence. I’d join him on the other side and we’d begin our day, he calling to the cats in between I was surprised to see how many cats lived in these cliffs facing the vast Pacific Ocean. These kitty’s had million dollar views and daily room service to boot!
I once asked Samuel why he fed the cats. I was floored by his reply.
“I once had a cat named Robert” he began, “one of the most extraordinary creatures I’ve ever had the privilege to know. Robert was taken to the local animal shelter where I volunteered by someone who found him unconscious on the street. He had been badly beaten by some sadistic kids who were eventually caught after weeks if terrorizing neighborhood pets. When I saw the condition Robert was in I was filled with a rage I didn’t know I possessed. I wanted to find the boys who had hurt this innocent creature and beat the living hell out of them. I wanted to make them suffer the way that they had made this poor creature suffer. Frankly, I was shocked at the depth and violence of my anger. I’d always considered myself a peaceful man so finding this fury within myself both scared and surprised me. Now Jon, I swear what happened next is true. Robert looked at me with his wide orange eyes and in my mind I heard Robert say, as clear as day, ‘Do not hate them. Those boys never could have caught me if I wanted to get away. I let them catch me and I willingly allowed them to beat me. It was a lesson I was brought here to deliver to those boys so that they would learn the meaning of compassion.’ In that moment, two things happened in me simultaneously. First, I thought I was crazy. Second, something exploded in my heart and I began to sob like I’d never cried in my life. It was as if all of the anger I’d harbored for forty years was instantly discharged. That night I took Robert home and so began my love for Robert and all cats. As far as I’m concerned, they are the wisest creatures on earth.”
My first inclination was to see if Samuel was pulling my leg. His sense of humor was as vibrant as his jogging suits and I often had to double-check to make sure Robert wasn’t using wittiness to get my full attention. But it was clear that this was not a story told for laughs. Samuel’s eyes were filled with tears and his voice quivered as he told me of Robert. I said noting but I resolved
