‘slipped’ into place and I simultaneously felt the loving presence of my mother envelope me, and in that instant I ‘knew’ without a doubt that whatever had gone wrong in the operating room and regardless of the sadness and guilt I may have felt surrounding her death, she was okay and this dream was her way of reassuring me that she was fine.
I woke with my eyes full of tears and with a deep sense of gratitude and wonder. Oddly enough, the memory of my mom on her death bed, an image that had haunted my waking moments was gone, replaced by various memories of times we shared together, and where before I only saw her laying in the hospital bed with eyes closed, I now could remember her smiling face and hear her girl-like laugh. But what surprised me most was a sense of relief as I realized that I’d released the guilt I’d been harboring. Gone was the idea that it was my fault she’d died, the notion that, if I had just tried hard enough or been a good enough son, I could have saved her life. I suddenly became conscious of the falseness of that thought and I understood that, in one way or another, I’d been trying to do the impossible, to save my mother’s life, ever since I was a five year old child. Now, as I lay experiencing a deep sense of calm, I thought of Samuel. Strangely, I sensed that somehow he was instrumental my having this insight. I felt that he knew something important, some information or knowledge, something I’d been seeking all of my life which I couldn’t even name. I wasn’t sure what he knew, but as I drifted back to sleep, I knew this, I had to find Samuel.
Part 2
“Samuel, I’m sorry I freaked out and ran away”. I felt terribly awkward saying these words to Samuel as he fed the cats. I sensed he wasn’t being rude but rather I got the distinct impression that his silence, and his attention , fully focused on the cats, was in some strange way an initiation or a lesson.
I decided I’d go with my intuition and, rather than become reactive and angry at being ignored, as I normally would, I decided to sit on the same park bench where several days ago Samuel had first spoken to me.
Tired to the point of exhaustion, I closed my eyes and, ignoring the usual distractions offered by my mind, I could just make out the sound of Samuel speaking to his beloved cats.
“Don’t be greedy Onyx, in this world there’s enough to go around.” he said to the high-strung jet-black cat. Chatterbox, mewing loudly as usual, was next in line to be fed and caressed. “You are such a loving girl” he said as I imagined him scratching that special kitty-spot right at the base of her ears. Finally it was Maxi’s turn. Samuel’s voice became especially soothing as he spoke to him and I was amazed to her him say, “I am so grateful to have you as my friend.”
Samuel stopped speaking. The only sound I could make out was that particular guttural noise that only contented cats can make. As I focused on this deeply soothing sound my mind became unusually quite and, in a flash I realized that, for the first time, my incessant, lifelong mind-chatter was, incredibly, absent. I also noticed that I was barely, if at all, breathing. It was as if with the cessation of thought, time stood still and even the need to inhale and exhale went by the wayside. I remained in this state, a condition I can only call bliss, for an unspecified length of time. It was only when I heard Samuel, as in a dream, call my name that gradually I came back to my normal state.
I opened my eyes to the most magnificent sunset I’d ever seen. The Pacific Ocean was cobalt blue and the sky was streaked with majestic purple and jagged pink clouds, a sight so beautiful that I began to tear up as my spirit reveled in the sheer beauty of existence. I sensed Samuel sitting next to me and I felt that he was, in some inexplicable way, responsible, not only for the deep meditative state I’d just experienced, but also, again inexplicably, for the heartbreakingly beautiful sunset now fading into evening.
I turned to Samuel and now it was I who looked deeply into his eyes. I had to be sure I was not imagining the significance I attributed to the events of the last few days. I sensed that I was about to embark on a journey for which I was destined on a path I’d been awaiting all my whole life. I was looking for reassurance while knowing full well that such a thing was not forthcoming.
I woke with my eyes full of tears and with a deep sense of gratitude and wonder. Oddly enough, the memory of my mom on her death bed, an image that had haunted my waking moments was gone, replaced by various memories of times we shared together, and where before I only saw her laying in the hospital bed with eyes closed, I now could remember her smiling face and hear her girl-like laugh. But what surprised me most was a sense of relief as I realized that I’d released the guilt I’d been harboring. Gone was the idea that it was my fault she’d died, the notion that, if I had just tried hard enough or been a good enough son, I could have saved her life. I suddenly became conscious of the falseness of that thought and I understood that, in one way or another, I’d been trying to do the impossible, to save my mother’s life, ever since I was a five year old child. Now, as I lay experiencing a deep sense of calm, I thought of Samuel. Strangely, I sensed that somehow he was instrumental my having this insight. I felt that he knew something important, some information or knowledge, something I’d been seeking all of my life which I couldn’t even name. I wasn’t sure what he knew, but as I drifted back to sleep, I knew this, I had to find Samuel.
Part 2
“Samuel, I’m sorry I freaked out and ran away”. I felt terribly awkward saying these words to Samuel as he fed the cats. I sensed he wasn’t being rude but rather I got the distinct impression that his silence, and his attention , fully focused on the cats, was in some strange way an initiation or a lesson.
I decided I’d go with my intuition and, rather than become reactive and angry at being ignored, as I normally would, I decided to sit on the same park bench where several days ago Samuel had first spoken to me.
Tired to the point of exhaustion, I closed my eyes and, ignoring the usual distractions offered by my mind, I could just make out the sound of Samuel speaking to his beloved cats.
“Don’t be greedy Onyx, in this world there’s enough to go around.” he said to the high-strung jet-black cat. Chatterbox, mewing loudly as usual, was next in line to be fed and caressed. “You are such a loving girl” he said as I imagined him scratching that special kitty-spot right at the base of her ears. Finally it was Maxi’s turn. Samuel’s voice became especially soothing as he spoke to him and I was amazed to her him say, “I am so grateful to have you as my friend.”
Samuel stopped speaking. The only sound I could make out was that particular guttural noise that only contented cats can make. As I focused on this deeply soothing sound my mind became unusually quite and, in a flash I realized that, for the first time, my incessant, lifelong mind-chatter was, incredibly, absent. I also noticed that I was barely, if at all, breathing. It was as if with the cessation of thought, time stood still and even the need to inhale and exhale went by the wayside. I remained in this state, a condition I can only call bliss, for an unspecified length of time. It was only when I heard Samuel, as in a dream, call my name that gradually I came back to my normal state.
I opened my eyes to the most magnificent sunset I’d ever seen. The Pacific Ocean was cobalt blue and the sky was streaked with majestic purple and jagged pink clouds, a sight so beautiful that I began to tear up as my spirit reveled in the sheer beauty of existence. I sensed Samuel sitting next to me and I felt that he was, in some inexplicable way, responsible, not only for the deep meditative state I’d just experienced, but also, again inexplicably, for the heartbreakingly beautiful sunset now fading into evening.
I turned to Samuel and now it was I who looked deeply into his eyes. I had to be sure I was not imagining the significance I attributed to the events of the last few days. I sensed that I was about to embark on a journey for which I was destined on a path I’d been awaiting all my whole life. I was looking for reassurance while knowing full well that such a thing was not forthcoming.
