I'm just tired. So very tired. I did the anger thing, did the sad thing, the happy thing, and then bounced between them for nearly two months. Now I'm just tired. Tired of my classes, tired of my work, tired of my projects, tired of the people around me. I feel like all the energy has been completely sucked out of me, as though there's no substance left to me. Like if a strong wind were to hit me it would just carry me away. Far away from here.

But it's not really here I want to get away from. I like my roommates (most of the time, which is about all you can expect out of people you live with), and I love my boyfriend. I enjoy Redmond, and where our apartment is located in Redmond. It's just the negative associations. It's just DigiPen.

I hate it. I used to say that with such rage, such conviction. Now? I breathe it, like a sigh of defeat. I'm not living, I'm existing. And that is not what I want. I want to live my life, not just let it pass through me like I'm not even there. But that's what it feels like is happening right now.

I don't know if it is DigiPen's fault or not, but I lost something so very important to me over the last few years. A place that, while existing only digitally, did more for me that I think I ever realized. A group of people I became closer to than I had ever expected. Some of the most wonderful, loving, amazing people I will ever have the luck to encounter. And I ruined it. Realistically, it's not all my fault, not all DigiPen's fault. Maybe our interests just diverged, maybe we all just got too busy, maybe we all just grew out of it. But I can't help blaming myself and my choices for what I lost. I miss them more than I miss most of the real people I knew who I lost contact with after leaving.

I used to love to draw, now I just... Can't anymore. All the drive, the desire to draw.It's disappeared. I'm supposed to design one character. One measly character. I've been sitting on it since August. Four years ago? I could have designed a half dozen characters in that span of time. And would have happily done so without a second thought. I love CG, and I love effects, and I want more than I can possibly describe to be able to do this for a living.

But I find myself asking, is it worth the price? Monetary, emotional, mental? Is it worth what I've given up and lost? What I'm still giving up and losing? I think what scares me most is that I used to be so sure, so confident, so certain. And now? I just feel lost and scared. I