Today, rather than continuing Hester's story, I think I'm just going to talk. About various things, most of which are probably of interest to only me. But that's all right, I imagine, as no one else is really going to be reading this anyway. Even if they could, I suspect.
I've always liked writing, or at least, I think I have. But then, lately I've been questioning a lot about myself. How much of me is really me, you know? How much does my inferiority complex affect who I am, the decisions I make? Did I choose art because I really like art, or did I choose it to make myself better at art than my sister? Do I like to write because I like writing, or because she was good at it? Did I develop my adaptability in social situations because it was one thing she wasn't good at, and therefore I could be better at it than her without even really thinking? Did I choose dancing because she didn't? No, I wanted to be in drama, or art. But was that just because those were the ones she wanted? Until recently I never really considered myself one of those hero-worshipping younger siblings. You know the ones, the ones who decide that everything their sibling is/does is THE BEST way to do so and they want to grow up and be like them!
Except, I don't think I so much wanted to be like her, as I wanted to be better than her. She was the one who was perfect, and right. Amazing grades, brilliant, good at everything she decided to do. And where was I? I'm smart, sure, but not super interested in grades. I'm pretty okay at most things I try, but then, I'm never the best. Probably never will be, I suppose. But then, not everyone can. Someone has to be second best at things, or else no one would be the best.
It's cool, I guess. I'm used to being second choice. I always am. S, Z, C, O, K, E, Ch, J. I'm used to it. There's always someone they want to fill my role more. It's harder some days not to resent it. Not to just feel how much it can suck to always be the second choice. The convenience choice. Well, I'm here, so I guess I'll serve as an acceptable substitute for the one you really want. As a best friend, girlfriend, bridesmaid, whatever. It's fine, I mean, someone has to be second choice as well. You can't always expect to be first pick for everything. I just imagine that it would be nice to be first pick for SOMEthing.
But that's the way life is. It's not fair, it's not always fun. Often times, it's downright miserable. And there's not much you can do about it besides be there for the people you care about. And I guess that's what I'll do. Not much choice, since someone has to be my first pick, even if I can't be theirs.
I've always liked writing, or at least, I think I have. But then, lately I've been questioning a lot about myself. How much of me is really me, you know? How much does my inferiority complex affect who I am, the decisions I make? Did I choose art because I really like art, or did I choose it to make myself better at art than my sister? Do I like to write because I like writing, or because she was good at it? Did I develop my adaptability in social situations because it was one thing she wasn't good at, and therefore I could be better at it than her without even really thinking? Did I choose dancing because she didn't? No, I wanted to be in drama, or art. But was that just because those were the ones she wanted? Until recently I never really considered myself one of those hero-worshipping younger siblings. You know the ones, the ones who decide that everything their sibling is/does is THE BEST way to do so and they want to grow up and be like them!
Except, I don't think I so much wanted to be like her, as I wanted to be better than her. She was the one who was perfect, and right. Amazing grades, brilliant, good at everything she decided to do. And where was I? I'm smart, sure, but not super interested in grades. I'm pretty okay at most things I try, but then, I'm never the best. Probably never will be, I suppose. But then, not everyone can. Someone has to be second best at things, or else no one would be the best.
It's cool, I guess. I'm used to being second choice. I always am. S, Z, C, O, K, E, Ch, J. I'm used to it. There's always someone they want to fill my role more. It's harder some days not to resent it. Not to just feel how much it can suck to always be the second choice. The convenience choice. Well, I'm here, so I guess I'll serve as an acceptable substitute for the one you really want. As a best friend, girlfriend, bridesmaid, whatever. It's fine, I mean, someone has to be second choice as well. You can't always expect to be first pick for everything. I just imagine that it would be nice to be first pick for SOMEthing.
But that's the way life is. It's not fair, it's not always fun. Often times, it's downright miserable. And there's not much you can do about it besides be there for the people you care about. And I guess that's what I'll do. Not much choice, since someone has to be my first pick, even if I can't be theirs.
