Typing is scarier than writing on paper to me. Words with perfect symmetry, with all the letters the same width and length, leave more room for immaterial imperfections. Those are the real terrors-- the room for error, the way they're arranged in relation to each other, the images you create with these abstract symbols.
I want to be a feeling, truthful, dreaming and extraordinary person. I want to breathe and sweat reality and beauty-- be a willing participant in this this speck of dust. But the more I scare myself back into myself, into nothing and ego and self-worthlessness, the more I convince myself that I'm really no more individual than any of the other 6,000,000,000 of us individuals out there.
I want to be the sacrificial lamb of my own life for my life.
I want to feel and be attentive to everything and everybody.
I want to be fearless, daring, courageous..
I want to do as much as I believe I could.
I want to be alive until I am not.
ya know what I mean?
I've gotten the first step-- to want it, to know that I am a speck of dust, to be content with life and with death, I feel like I understand and can deal with that part of all of this. I don't resist this life. What I need to do now is to throw myself into the other direction-- I want to embrace this life with every cell in my body and every thought in my head. It's easy to resign from your ego, to be okay with death and your vaporous nature; the hard part is to stop being afraid after that realization. I want to BE with everything I do and think that I can muster in my being.
The deconstruction is the easy part, it's having the balls to rebuild yourself in any way you feel suited to at any time you feel suited to that takes you by the throat and sits on your chest. It obstructs your view of all of the i-don't-have-a-word-for-the-sheer-amount-of beauty that exists here, that is beautiful because it exists in this empty void. I am a timid, fragile, sensitive creature. It's a bad thing to be that in this world sometimes.
I want to be a feeling, truthful, dreaming and extraordinary person. I want to breathe and sweat reality and beauty-- be a willing participant in this this speck of dust. But the more I scare myself back into myself, into nothing and ego and self-worthlessness, the more I convince myself that I'm really no more individual than any of the other 6,000,000,000 of us individuals out there.
I want to be the sacrificial lamb of my own life for my life.
I want to feel and be attentive to everything and everybody.
I want to be fearless, daring, courageous..
I want to do as much as I believe I could.
I want to be alive until I am not.
ya know what I mean?
I've gotten the first step-- to want it, to know that I am a speck of dust, to be content with life and with death, I feel like I understand and can deal with that part of all of this. I don't resist this life. What I need to do now is to throw myself into the other direction-- I want to embrace this life with every cell in my body and every thought in my head. It's easy to resign from your ego, to be okay with death and your vaporous nature; the hard part is to stop being afraid after that realization. I want to BE with everything I do and think that I can muster in my being.
The deconstruction is the easy part, it's having the balls to rebuild yourself in any way you feel suited to at any time you feel suited to that takes you by the throat and sits on your chest. It obstructs your view of all of the i-don't-have-a-word-for-the-sheer-amount-of beauty that exists here, that is beautiful because it exists in this empty void. I am a timid, fragile, sensitive creature. It's a bad thing to be that in this world sometimes.
