growing up i was surrounded by love from family and friends, but somehow i grew to hate myself. i hated my body my face my way of being. as a way i expressed the hatred towards being myself, i would cut myself. whenever i was feeling a strong negative emotion, like anger, sadness, or stress, i would cut the emotions out. i started cutting in 5th grade. At first it was an every day chore, but as the first couple of years went on, the time period between cutting became longer and longer. Unfortunately, at that point my self esteem was very low. during my middle school years, i got the idea that i wasnt "worth" being loved by anyone, much less a guy, seared into my brain. that was until high school when he entered my life.
Relationship, im not even sure you could call what we had that. it was the beginning of the summer of 2008, when we started. it was late one June night and my phone began to rang. i saw that it was one of my friends and thought nothing much of the call at first.
"hello?" and that was the beginning of the turning point of my life. We talked on the phone for hours into the night.
"thalia, i like you" he told me. Now part of me was happy because i did have some attraction to him but he had a girlfriend. to make matters worse, his girlfriend was one of my friends. we continued to talk and i kept telling him that i was not interested in him and especially in being with a person who was already in a relationship with my friend. for days after that, me and him would talk on the phone for hours at a time. it was not soon before i fell for him and did not care that he was taken by her. as the summer began to pass, the love between us began to grow. we would talk every single day and we hung out whenever we could. at first glance, we didnt make the ideal couple. he was more than several inches shorter than me, about twice my skin color, and very skinny compared to me. physically we did not go together, but this was the guy i felt was the one perfect for me. As summer was ending, we grew apart. the calls became less frequent, and a certain point they stopped all together. having the history of self harm that i did, cutting became more of a habit again. the feeling of not being wanted by the person that i loved was too much for me to handle. Only days away from the new school year, we began talking again.
"we have to stop what we have," he said "and although i have feelings for you, i want to stay with my girlfriend"
I was expecting for him to say that but it still caught me off guard. i dealt with the "break up" by cutting.
Relationship, im not even sure you could call what we had that. it was the beginning of the summer of 2008, when we started. it was late one June night and my phone began to rang. i saw that it was one of my friends and thought nothing much of the call at first.
"hello?" and that was the beginning of the turning point of my life. We talked on the phone for hours into the night.
"thalia, i like you" he told me. Now part of me was happy because i did have some attraction to him but he had a girlfriend. to make matters worse, his girlfriend was one of my friends. we continued to talk and i kept telling him that i was not interested in him and especially in being with a person who was already in a relationship with my friend. for days after that, me and him would talk on the phone for hours at a time. it was not soon before i fell for him and did not care that he was taken by her. as the summer began to pass, the love between us began to grow. we would talk every single day and we hung out whenever we could. at first glance, we didnt make the ideal couple. he was more than several inches shorter than me, about twice my skin color, and very skinny compared to me. physically we did not go together, but this was the guy i felt was the one perfect for me. As summer was ending, we grew apart. the calls became less frequent, and a certain point they stopped all together. having the history of self harm that i did, cutting became more of a habit again. the feeling of not being wanted by the person that i loved was too much for me to handle. Only days away from the new school year, we began talking again.
"we have to stop what we have," he said "and although i have feelings for you, i want to stay with my girlfriend"
I was expecting for him to say that but it still caught me off guard. i dealt with the "break up" by cutting.
