snippet from Decisions
Decisions
Generally, I have a hard time making decisions for myself. I go with what others do, and, if I'm being honest, it doesn't bother me that much.
However, as of late I have noticed my inability to firmly decide upon and set my own decisions has lead me in a direction of doubt and uncertainty and has left me wondering, "is this the way it will always be for me?" I am stuck believing that my choices are not my own. The worst part of the situation is that I don't know how to remove myself from this vein of illogical indecisiveness.
My latest string of responsible decisions, or indecisions, has put me on a one way path to absolutely nothing. That may be harsh. It isn't a path that leads to nothing, just not what I had ever originally intended for my path to be leading to and in that way it feels like a pit. A pit of self loathing and deprivation. Of mindless day to day tasking and a level of mediocrity that I am ashamed to say I allow myself to take part in. I had envisioned far greater things by this point in my life and I know I always get ahead of myself, work myself to the point of a mental breakdown, and then back out when the going gets tough, but something has got to give. Right? Or maybe it doesn't.
I realize that I make the choice not to make a choice and thus have to live with my decision not to decide upon an outcome that I deem to be favorable because it may have more work involved. But that is not the route that I always took. It wasn't the path that I took when I was going to school and yet here I am. I understand that all this makes me sound like a whiney millennial bitch with too much time on his hands, but it feels like my parents never really wanted me to succeed. Not in a counterproductive way where they purposely tried to derail my future, but in a lackluster no-real-shit-giving kind of way where their attitude was poor from the get go and thus led to the ultimate outcome of me being kicked out of school. I mean why did they not advise me upon going to a regular university? One that we could afford as a family and one that I would be able to attend for more than one semester? Other parents know they their kids hands are in their back pockets but it doesn't keep them from not having a say in their kids educational future. I mean, yeah, sure, I would have been pissed if at first, but then I quickly would have gotten over it. I talked myself out of going to any other school because I, again didn't want to put in the work, and now look at me. I mean damn it, I'm even sitting here typing away this meaningless piece of scrap writing that doesn't mean anything and I'm talking about how I need to give more shits. When will it end? Thats not a question for the reader, if anyone ever reads this, but rather a question for myself.

5

Is the story over... or just beginning?

you may politely request that the author write another page by clicking the button below...


This author has released some other pages from Decisions:

2   3   5  


Some friendly and constructive comments