the feeling was still there but very vague. When I got home there was a project I needed help with. I expected that there might be resistance to my request. I almost secretly hoped that there would even be abandonment so that I could finally let that feeling in and feel deeply and truly sorry for myself, deeply wounded. I almost hopped that during the project I could spend the entire time thinking what a martyr I was that I had to do this alone. This feeling had almost made it inside after waiting for so long. It waited almost all day for the moment when I was tired and worried about the project. But thank heaven, my son decided to help and that was that. Sometimes you need a little help from the outside.
When I looked again it was gone. It had left and I felt free, relieved. There were a couple of close calls today. The feeling almost made it inside, almost got me to identify my "self" with "it." But in the end I could just watch it without blame, without trying to "shoo" it away. I just let it be there on its own.
Now I am ready for the next time it comes.