Life has always been a struggle. Always. Childhood, friends, family, academics, love- everything. There have been more of those miserable days. Happy days were not even a breeze. There weren't happy "days"-- just some passing moments. And somehow I got used to fight for everything. I learnt it through experience that if I ever wanted anything, I was sure it wont come easily. I had to fight, suffer and bleed. They say love gives us as much pain as it gives us ecstasy. Why was love being so difficult to me then. I love my man and he does too. Then why are there these stupid complications of not living together or being together ! He says he wont marry me and then in second breath he will say he feels guilty of saying so and hurting me. What am I to do. Laugh I guess !!! I should have known how stupid I was to think that at least, at least love would be kind to me. I said him I would never want to thwart him. I would never bear the burden of knowing that he had to give up his aspirations and dreams for my love. Living with the thought that he sacrificed for me is a horrible. I know I have to let him go. But if he is to go.....then why this farce of being in a relationship ? why this indulgence ? Its sound so hedonistic !!! Or is there any hope in my mind that we would make it a success against all odds? That after being in a relationship for so long we would realize that we really cannot live without each other. Is that my ulterior motive ? An unconscious drive towards this relationship ? He is my best friend and he knows how I will suffer. But the poor guy is torn himself. He isnt sure. He has seen marriages and relationships crumbling down once they got committed. Commitment is a bad omen in his eyes. So he keeps it away from our relationship. But what is a relationship if there is no commitment ? Is it a "relationship" at all ?? I have always let him have his way. So sometime I think I need to be assertive. To ask for something that is obvious-- something which comes unsaid-- my right-- to ask for where we are headed !