Chided her for those things when I was young. I'm not sure when they became my thing. So I know for a fact one day my daughter will do the same. It's a way of creating a bond I suppose. Sharing your idiosyncricies. The truth is, we all have them. We just didn't talk about them and and that makes you feel weird and lonely. Of all the feelings in the world loneliness is the saddest and yet most comforting feeling.I guess it becomes your friend and so do the habits you engage in when your in that space. That's how addictions start. It's not that you plan to. They become part of your intimate routines that you engage in when you feel overwhelmed with feelings that are uncomfortable. Sometimes I don't know which is the driving factor. I feel alone therefor I smoke or I smoke so I can feel alone. Loneliness is a friend. A companion in itself. It's when you are the most connected to self. It can be grounding to retreat when nothing makes sense. All of a sudden you can say hello, oh, here I am, hi me. Alone again naturally. In college I ran in and out of loneliness. Too quiet in this place call a friend. Too sad visit a friend. Too much feeling about anything made me uncomfortable to be alone. Distraction aborted what ever was growing and gnawing at my brain. I never understood how any one could enjoy being alone for any stretch of time. A day at someone's house would turn into a night and then a weekend. Sometimes welcomed, other times tolerated and saddest was being told politely, You have to go home now. Home. Nothing like a home to go home to right? Wish I had one just like this. Where the dish washer hums along with the air conditioner. Where the smell of pine sol and laundry soap hang in the air and sunlight glints off picture frames of family photos angled on polished end tables. It's not that I liked being a pest. I know I was sick of me too. That's why I started to reinvent myself every chance I could. What ever the situation or the expectation of me was I could become it. Trouble is you never have the ability to face yourself because in truth, no one was there. If you live long enough you will inevitably hit the wall and then lay there for a long time dazed and amazed that you are still alive but very tired of running and getting no where fast. So what am I doing here now? Somehow I got through it, aover it, under it but why? I'm not sure what the purpose of my life to date is for. I would like to make a phone call to God. God it's me Margret, can you pick me up now? I'm tired and I want to come home. Are you there? I know your busy and I am not a special person who has done anything significant with this "gift" of life but I would like to think you see me and that you hear me down here. I've tried to talk to you before but you ignored me. I don't blame you. I think some people really know you and they feel loved by you and I know that they are sincere because you can't fool a fooler. I would like to get some insight here if I could so I can make my mind up about wether you are and who you are. I would like to know some things because I don't remember and that is probabl