1. I adopt a child.
2. The child I adopt is around 12 to 17 years of age. Or they are a baby, but it is a Benjamin Button scenario in which they age backwards or are somehow older than what I would traditionally consider to be a baby.
3. The child is female.
4. My female child is named Juliet or Maria and I love her as if she were my own child.
5. I practice my maniacal "Mwahahaha!" laugh twice a day while naked in front of the bathroom mirror so that I can watch my flexing abs. A good maniacal laugh really utilizes the rectus abdominus.
6. My adopted 12 to 17 year old child named Juliet/Maria attends high school and one day she comes home late. Like really late. After curfew late.
7. Her curfew is 11.
8. Juliet/Maria comes home after 11. Like 11:15 or something like that.
9. I question Juliet/Maria about her tardiness and she doesn't give me a straight answer. She mumbles something about "Rachel's" house.
10. I become suspicious and the next time she goes to "Rachel's" house, I follow her silently on a bicycle because it is quieter than my car. And because it is environmentally friendly. Juliet/Maria rides her bike - she is not old enough yet to drive and there are no drivers license exceptions for Benjamin Button children, as far as I know - down the street and across the city, where she parks her bike next to a dilapidated building with a crumbling roof and a rusty transmission prominently displayed in the yard, or the house of my sworn enemy. This building is on the wrong side of the tracks. I literally felt the bump of the tracks underneath my bicycle tires while passing over them.
11. We live in a three story faux chateau home and are quite rich. This is why I can afford to adopt a child as a single parent, especially one with a backwards aging disorder which obviously requires an excess of effort, patience, and financial responsibility. The same goes for adopting a teenager.
12. When I break down the door of the dilapidated building on the wrong side of the tracks - or my enemy's screen door - while yelling obscenities very loud, I find Juliet/Maria in the arms of a young man named Romeo or, possibly, Gnoemo, or Tony. They cover themselves and Juliet/Maria begins to cry "But daddy, I love him!" I escort her back to our luxurious faux chateau on my bicycle, which I suppose would have to be a tandem bicycle, because I could not expect her to just follow me back on
2. The child I adopt is around 12 to 17 years of age. Or they are a baby, but it is a Benjamin Button scenario in which they age backwards or are somehow older than what I would traditionally consider to be a baby.
3. The child is female.
4. My female child is named Juliet or Maria and I love her as if she were my own child.
5. I practice my maniacal "Mwahahaha!" laugh twice a day while naked in front of the bathroom mirror so that I can watch my flexing abs. A good maniacal laugh really utilizes the rectus abdominus.
6. My adopted 12 to 17 year old child named Juliet/Maria attends high school and one day she comes home late. Like really late. After curfew late.
7. Her curfew is 11.
8. Juliet/Maria comes home after 11. Like 11:15 or something like that.
9. I question Juliet/Maria about her tardiness and she doesn't give me a straight answer. She mumbles something about "Rachel's" house.
10. I become suspicious and the next time she goes to "Rachel's" house, I follow her silently on a bicycle because it is quieter than my car. And because it is environmentally friendly. Juliet/Maria rides her bike - she is not old enough yet to drive and there are no drivers license exceptions for Benjamin Button children, as far as I know - down the street and across the city, where she parks her bike next to a dilapidated building with a crumbling roof and a rusty transmission prominently displayed in the yard, or the house of my sworn enemy. This building is on the wrong side of the tracks. I literally felt the bump of the tracks underneath my bicycle tires while passing over them.
11. We live in a three story faux chateau home and are quite rich. This is why I can afford to adopt a child as a single parent, especially one with a backwards aging disorder which obviously requires an excess of effort, patience, and financial responsibility. The same goes for adopting a teenager.
12. When I break down the door of the dilapidated building on the wrong side of the tracks - or my enemy's screen door - while yelling obscenities very loud, I find Juliet/Maria in the arms of a young man named Romeo or, possibly, Gnoemo, or Tony. They cover themselves and Juliet/Maria begins to cry "But daddy, I love him!" I escort her back to our luxurious faux chateau on my bicycle, which I suppose would have to be a tandem bicycle, because I could not expect her to just follow me back on
