...negative qualities which, it now occurs to me, never occurred to me at the time (or maybe they did, I just didn't/wouldn't allow myself to fully realize them or apprehend the level of just how negative and harmful they actually were...not to mention what might be causing them to permeate)...and it actually makes me understand myself a whole lot better. I used to guilt myself and blame myself and harp myself into feeling like a complete good-for-nothing PIECE OF SHIT for getting into drugs and doing them, whatever the drug...I used to pretty much believe that even though there were plenty of other "addicts" who had similar behaviors like me, that it was still somehow totally my fault, that I actually was fully in control, and maybe to some extent this still could be true. I do actually feel like (at least initially) a lot of my drug use was very much self-inflicted, deliberate, and pretty much 100% desired...sadly, and kind of disturbingly, almost to the point of me actually wanting to turn myself into an addict, wanting to go down the path, because I know that I was not naive or ignorant to the dangers and effects of drugs (hell, all through growing up until I was 18 I NEVER, ever would have given a second thought to even smoking let alone all the drugs I tried), and when I honestly consider this fact, that I was basically knowingly and willingly throwing myself into harm's way, jumping out into the middle of the road right in the path of a speeding vehicle, to use a metaphor, it really has to make me wonder a couple things...like, was it simply just the depression and anxiety (which were, in retrospect, pretty traumatic actually...and also something I was always convinced was completely within my control and and power to just "get over" and "be normal" like everybody else),--but, was it simply just the depression and anxiety that brought me to this desperate, reckless attitude and mindset? Well, I think I know it was obviously part of it. When I think about how I was leading up to using drugs...going from an intensely anxiety-ridden, painfully introverted and introspective girl to a serene, mellowed out, careless and care-free pothead (who LOVED pot), to a weekending coke-head, and then not too much longer after that to a desperate, pathetic, obsessive and "no holds barred" heroin addict, or junkie, whatever...when I put that into context of general addictive behavior and addiction, it does seem pretty insanely unique and personal. And I guess every "addiction experience" is, ultimately...so I guess when I consider what could have brought me to such a destructive, crazy path, gone from a fairly innocent, albeit depressed and anxious girl to a full-blown drug-crazed addict, which was always made out to be such a complicated and sordid enterprise by myself, has actually become quite simple now...and even, very arguably, typical, perhaps? Borderline conventional, even? Let's see--depressed/anxious girl meets carefree and cute boy, tries to change him and get him off drugs, but instead turns into a drug-addict herself (of a very rapid and, in this sense, unconventional type)...yeah, I