was ultimately to become my downfall. My own blunt way of looking at things eventually spilled into every facet of my life. Family, girls and friends. Now, I face a battle to get out of a rut I thought I had exited a few months back. Turns out, the hole got deeper but I didn't realise. The reality of the situation was obscured by a drunken haze, circling around what I think are mistakes that I will never be able to rectify, and I will have to live with for the rest of my life.
What would happen if I made a different decision? What would happen if my father didn't die? What would happen if I wasn't such a laid-back, blind prick that eventually culminated in me losing my first love? What would happen if I didn't say I didn't want a relationship, that I had too much baggage for her to deal with, that I was essentially a prick, before realising that fraction too late (the second she left the room) that I loved her? Essentially, in the grand scheme of things, none of it matters: We live, We Die. But why can it not be: We live, We love, We die. Surely that is not too much to ask. Surely an omni-benevolent God would let that happen, without the pain I seem to inflict on myself.
I come back around to me absolutely shitting a brick about tomorrow. I have no-one to speak to about this. My reluctance to open up to anyone is something which I believe I will carry with me till my grave, I wish it weren't true, but the one person besides my mother that I want to open up to, without sounding too cliched, bear my soul to, and my actions have forced her even further away. I am isolated in a world full of people. In a world where I have 599 friends according to the Facebook revolution, I chose to open up to one of them and create a facade for the rest of them. That stone of a person, that drunken idiot that everyone relies on to prop their own lives up on. "At least i'm not as bad as Joe ...", yet it seems I am powerless to stop it. I am powerless to end this infinite loop of despair that I put myself in, grasping for the light that is grasped from my clutch, the ray of hope, comes about every two months. Then, when it is stolen away from me, I sink into a desperate drunken stupor, I know it won't solve anything, but when I don't remember what happens, at least I can't remember being sad.
What would happen if I made a different decision? What would happen if my father didn't die? What would happen if I wasn't such a laid-back, blind prick that eventually culminated in me losing my first love? What would happen if I didn't say I didn't want a relationship, that I had too much baggage for her to deal with, that I was essentially a prick, before realising that fraction too late (the second she left the room) that I loved her? Essentially, in the grand scheme of things, none of it matters: We live, We Die. But why can it not be: We live, We love, We die. Surely that is not too much to ask. Surely an omni-benevolent God would let that happen, without the pain I seem to inflict on myself.
I come back around to me absolutely shitting a brick about tomorrow. I have no-one to speak to about this. My reluctance to open up to anyone is something which I believe I will carry with me till my grave, I wish it weren't true, but the one person besides my mother that I want to open up to, without sounding too cliched, bear my soul to, and my actions have forced her even further away. I am isolated in a world full of people. In a world where I have 599 friends according to the Facebook revolution, I chose to open up to one of them and create a facade for the rest of them. That stone of a person, that drunken idiot that everyone relies on to prop their own lives up on. "At least i'm not as bad as Joe ...", yet it seems I am powerless to stop it. I am powerless to end this infinite loop of despair that I put myself in, grasping for the light that is grasped from my clutch, the ray of hope, comes about every two months. Then, when it is stolen away from me, I sink into a desperate drunken stupor, I know it won't solve anything, but when I don't remember what happens, at least I can't remember being sad.
