And I hate thinking this way. Self-centeredness is the sureness indication that I'm about to lose it. I've only lost it about four times in my life, but they've all started out this way, and the only way I've ever gotten myself out is by throwing myself headfirst into some kind of beautiful distraction. Men, work, creativity, friendship, my family, heaps of unfinished art projects.
To stop myself, I started wishing the clouds would break. "Fuck, if only they'd break. If only there was just a little bit of light." To my right, to the west, leaving UT Dallas' driveway, they already had: it was gold. The gray clouds receded like germs from a white blood cell, or like ghosts. I was so startled, and then I thought it was such a damn shame I had to turn left.
And then I turned west, into a horrible, monolith of gray. And wouldn't you know. the next think I see is the most beautiful, perfect and unblemished rainbow. It arched over the whole row. It bowed from the north all the way south. It was like a gateway. It was like a dream. It was friendly, beautiful, a work of art, and I thought, "I guess this is why some people believe in God, or magic."
...You know what I wish? I wish what I wanted was a little more concrete, or attainable. I want to see more rainbows. I want to see an aurora borealis (sp?). I want to perform stand up at an open mic night some day. I want to marry someone who thinks I'm hilarious and beautiful, have a kid and be a volunteer room Mom at her school. I want to build a table and be in a band. I want to crochet a blanket.
That's the shit I like to do. I never wanted to be a doctor or a lawyer. i never had long term vision like that. It is laughable--laugh out loudable--to me to even think about having a profession. Which sucks, makes me feel like an idiot, or at least makes me feel too depressed to function. Or, you know, sometimes it's awesome, because I am lucky--screw Frued, there is such a thing
To stop myself, I started wishing the clouds would break. "Fuck, if only they'd break. If only there was just a little bit of light." To my right, to the west, leaving UT Dallas' driveway, they already had: it was gold. The gray clouds receded like germs from a white blood cell, or like ghosts. I was so startled, and then I thought it was such a damn shame I had to turn left.
And then I turned west, into a horrible, monolith of gray. And wouldn't you know. the next think I see is the most beautiful, perfect and unblemished rainbow. It arched over the whole row. It bowed from the north all the way south. It was like a gateway. It was like a dream. It was friendly, beautiful, a work of art, and I thought, "I guess this is why some people believe in God, or magic."
...You know what I wish? I wish what I wanted was a little more concrete, or attainable. I want to see more rainbows. I want to see an aurora borealis (sp?). I want to perform stand up at an open mic night some day. I want to marry someone who thinks I'm hilarious and beautiful, have a kid and be a volunteer room Mom at her school. I want to build a table and be in a band. I want to crochet a blanket.
That's the shit I like to do. I never wanted to be a doctor or a lawyer. i never had long term vision like that. It is laughable--laugh out loudable--to me to even think about having a profession. Which sucks, makes me feel like an idiot, or at least makes me feel too depressed to function. Or, you know, sometimes it's awesome, because I am lucky--screw Frued, there is such a thing
