Title of this particular writing is the name of a song I just listened to, by the Dandy Warhols...thought it was kinda fitting. "It" being...whatever the hell was eating at me the last few days or so. I suppose it's all just symptomatic of my period, but even if it is, and even if it technically is for only about 3 days or so, it still seems to be just too much for me almost...and one of the worst things about it is that it seems totally out of my control, like beyond my rationalization capabilities. Anyway. So something kind of strange just occurred to me a bit ago. And as with EVERYTHING else, I am probably just over-analyzing this, but...for a while now, for the almost 1 year I've steadily been taking Paxil and Adderall simultaneously, I have sought to "justify" and feel "at peace" with the fact that I am taking this combo...I've done the "research" of looking online, trying to see if there is any real harm in taking them, both on their own or together, I've wondered about the long-term effects, the short-term effects, how much it is really changing me, weighing the pros and cons, wondering how it effects my moods and emotions, ESPECIALLY now that I've had some consistent periods under my belt with them...and of course, another big issue, the question of whether I am technically "addicted" or "dependent" on Adderall, taking it every day like I have been...but then I think back to how I was before taking these meds, how it all "started" with the depression and anxiety in high school, and the weed, and well, the other drugs...back and forth, on and off, up and down, around and around...and I just think, as strange as it may sound, that when I consider just how young I really was when all of that "began", so to speak (I'm thinking maybe 15...16? At least with the depression/anxiety...then at like 18 came the drugs...), and when I consider how I was up until that point, even though a lot of it was probably just awkward "figuring-it-out" growing pains and "normal" transitional symptoms (in what came to be a somewhat "abnormal" environment), I really can't deny that in spite of the almost clockwork shift of my moods/emotions around my period, I pretty much feel the most "me", "sane", "normal", whatever the hell you want to call it, than I've ever felt in my whole life...and then while it feels strange saying that while considering just how short of a life I've really lived, at the same time I think about the fact that I'm 24 and then I suddenly feel SO incredibly old...well, I don't actually FEEL old, I just sound so old. And feel like I should act/feel/BE older than I actually project myself to be. And I look around me and think...does ANYONE else actually think/feel these things besides me? Mostly, no. So then I try go back to just forgetting about it, moving on with life, accepting shit, yaddah yaddah yaddah...but yet, I almost really "can't" forget about it, unless I maybe did drugs again, ironically enough...because "forgetting" about it would be essentially taking my life out of context, which I don't think I could do honestly. I mean, I try obviously, and I've been succeeding pretty well with all the progress I've been making steadily...and it definitely does bget better with time...;