I hope tomorrow is like today. Today I am in myself. I want things like change and happiness and passion and comfort and glee.
I think I need need need to meet more people. I need to work out and once again enjoy inhabiting my body instead of self-sabotoging it with alcohol and food I don't want. I need to draw and write and play music and sing. I want to reinhabit my body and disarm it from constantly producing and stressing and avoiding.
I am very disappointed that I can't manage to either work or be happy. I will have work and assignments all my life. It seems that I can either become creative OR productive and that isn't right. I want to become vegitative when I come home, instead of working on a project. My mind becomes weary, yearning for vacancy, forgetfulness. What do I run from? what am I trying to forget? and avoid?
I want to know myself better. There is a big part of me that is self-hating. I have high levels of anxiety. Something is evading my consciousness. Something is being denied. Something is frozen. Something is forgotten.
I have been sleeping a lot. It has been very difficult to rise in the morning, and I spend sometimes hours mourning the night, when I am alone and still. I relish my loneliness, as it isn't as bad as fighting for love.
Inadequacy is my greatest fear, I spend hours each day proving I am good enough for the job, class, conversation. Somehow I continually seek my fix elsewhere.
I want to know my best self is going always. I want to have a passion. Right now, my nuerosis has brought me to a winnable fight. I need winnable fights, or else I become paralyzed with fear and become completely useless and contemptable as I quickly jump to unethical means to get ahead. I am so wildly insecure as to become someone I hate. I want my subconcious, my soul, my id and my conscience to be in the same place at once so that I can know my entire self and learn what is best for myself.
I am standing in the trenches of the new underground.
I want a fight.
I want a standard.
I want pride. I want to know my faults and deep darknesses. I want to shed light in every corner and ask why? Why not? I am standing in the trenches of the new underground.
I think I need need need to meet more people. I need to work out and once again enjoy inhabiting my body instead of self-sabotoging it with alcohol and food I don't want. I need to draw and write and play music and sing. I want to reinhabit my body and disarm it from constantly producing and stressing and avoiding.
I am very disappointed that I can't manage to either work or be happy. I will have work and assignments all my life. It seems that I can either become creative OR productive and that isn't right. I want to become vegitative when I come home, instead of working on a project. My mind becomes weary, yearning for vacancy, forgetfulness. What do I run from? what am I trying to forget? and avoid?
I want to know myself better. There is a big part of me that is self-hating. I have high levels of anxiety. Something is evading my consciousness. Something is being denied. Something is frozen. Something is forgotten.
I have been sleeping a lot. It has been very difficult to rise in the morning, and I spend sometimes hours mourning the night, when I am alone and still. I relish my loneliness, as it isn't as bad as fighting for love.
Inadequacy is my greatest fear, I spend hours each day proving I am good enough for the job, class, conversation. Somehow I continually seek my fix elsewhere.
I want to know my best self is going always. I want to have a passion. Right now, my nuerosis has brought me to a winnable fight. I need winnable fights, or else I become paralyzed with fear and become completely useless and contemptable as I quickly jump to unethical means to get ahead. I am so wildly insecure as to become someone I hate. I want my subconcious, my soul, my id and my conscience to be in the same place at once so that I can know my entire self and learn what is best for myself.
I am standing in the trenches of the new underground.
I want a fight.
I want a standard.
I want pride. I want to know my faults and deep darknesses. I want to shed light in every corner and ask why? Why not? I am standing in the trenches of the new underground.
