Everyone at some point in their lives fears the unknown. Deciding to lock yourself up with 13 other ladies who all are the same make and model as you are is scary in itself. The unknown part of what's going to happen in the next 21 days is what is so terrifying. Being paralyzed with the uneasiness of the withdrawals, of the small tiny pill that once made me in high spirits, as though nothing could hurt me and my world was a blissfulness of intoxicated glee, now had become nothing but pain and discomfort. Not knowing whether I'm going to be tied down to a bed and stabbed with needles full of fluid that might not make my disappointments in life get better, but worse because once I lock myself in I won't be able to get out. Of course these are just dreams I have of the hell I would be putting myself in should I choose to go to rehab. Not realizing that I already put myself in my own prison many years ago.
The day finally arrives, all the particulars have been handled over the last few days and now the hard part was my destiny. I have to lock myself into detox first and that was intimidating to say the least. I had never been away from my family. I had lived 10 long years with my common-law husband and my 2 kids Christian who was 11 years old and MaryJane who was 6 years old. Even though I had been using and abusing Oxycontin for many years I still was home everyday to take care of my family the best way I knew how. In my mind I was the best mother I could be. Never mind that I would pass out on the couch in the middle of the day with a hot coffee in my hand, and it would spill all over me and the furniture. Or that my children would be talking to me and I would nod off in mid sentence only to awaken with them staring me in the face and wondering in their tiny little minds if I was alright. I was convinced that since I didn't go out and spend all my money at the bars and I was home every night to tuck them into bed that was what made me mother of the year. I worried what they would do without me there to care for them. Surely their father couldn't do it as he was an alcoholic and would be mean and unjust. How would I protect them from him and all his miserable hang-ups. I couldn't think about that now as I had already pushed myself into a corner where if I didn't go and go now I would never go and get help. From what I could see I needed help and had no idea if this was going to work, but if I was ever going to protect my kids and move forward to a better life for us I had to take this step. This leap of faith to an unknown universe where I believed it could only get better. I had to believe this it was all I had left.
The day finally arrives, all the particulars have been handled over the last few days and now the hard part was my destiny. I have to lock myself into detox first and that was intimidating to say the least. I had never been away from my family. I had lived 10 long years with my common-law husband and my 2 kids Christian who was 11 years old and MaryJane who was 6 years old. Even though I had been using and abusing Oxycontin for many years I still was home everyday to take care of my family the best way I knew how. In my mind I was the best mother I could be. Never mind that I would pass out on the couch in the middle of the day with a hot coffee in my hand, and it would spill all over me and the furniture. Or that my children would be talking to me and I would nod off in mid sentence only to awaken with them staring me in the face and wondering in their tiny little minds if I was alright. I was convinced that since I didn't go out and spend all my money at the bars and I was home every night to tuck them into bed that was what made me mother of the year. I worried what they would do without me there to care for them. Surely their father couldn't do it as he was an alcoholic and would be mean and unjust. How would I protect them from him and all his miserable hang-ups. I couldn't think about that now as I had already pushed myself into a corner where if I didn't go and go now I would never go and get help. From what I could see I needed help and had no idea if this was going to work, but if I was ever going to protect my kids and move forward to a better life for us I had to take this step. This leap of faith to an unknown universe where I believed it could only get better. I had to believe this it was all I had left.
