i am sitting here on the bed after a meeting with one of my professors, and i feel a bit down and discouraged, and a bit like taking on an entirely different field of study. i checked into the business program for an mba, but immediately lost interest and went onto check my reader. the interesting thing is that i feel like i have something very important and different to offer my colleagues and teachers, but it may not be cleverness or scholarly work. i am beginning to think that it may be how to cheat, or more accurately how to simulate. i had a process during my undergraduate degree of becoming whatever i classes i was taking during the semester. therefore, i would play the physicist when i was taking physics, or the historian during history. this worked, and i did very well in these classes for the first time in my life. i have never really been a school smart person, and i have definitely never made good grades. but when i started this method i began to make good grades. and perhaps, just perhaps, i have been fooled by my performances. during the last year and a half or so of my undergraduate career, i began to immerse myself in psychology and philosophy primarily, while simultaneously befriending a group of philosophical psychologists that demanded intelligent and cogent discourse from me whenever i was around them, and i was around them more and more often. thus, i began to believe the role that i was playing, which started as a way to make friends and impress people. i began to think that i could have an academic career, that i could make a life for myself through school. perhaps then, it is a testament to just how good i am at acting, at playing roles and getting into character. my uncle is a salesman, and he is very good at giving people what they want. i believe that i have some of these qualities, and i know what people want, and i love to give it to them most of the time. its funny that most of my life, the part of my life that i thought i was actually coming into being and understanding who and what i was and am, was just an excellent performance, one for the ages. that's what i want to be, i want to be an actor, but not the kind that go to acting schools. they are acting like actors, a simulation that spins into oblivion for me. rather, i want to be the kind of actor that people really think he is not one. right now i am a student, a graduate student, at a university. i never thought i would even get out of high school, much less get here. so, the best thing for me to do is to keep acting, but step it up. or maybe i am not acting. maybe this is really what i want to be doing. or maybe i had a dishonest beginning, but came around and really want this life. i doubt that very much though. i think that the show must go on, at least until i get this degree i am currently working on.