today, average. i've been putting off writing due to several keys on my keyboard deciding my dreams are futile. i haven't left my house for a few days, but i think by now that's to be expected. my nights have been spent the same way they've been spent for a while now, consisting of torturing myself with social network and attempting to find approval from members of the opposite sex that are just as lonely and pathetic as i am right now. i don't think i mind being so lonely and pathetic. i've wanted to live this way for a while, my own schedule, my own idea of a good time. there has been no change in my life for weeks, no schedule, everything in the future and nothing to do in the present. i'm going to visit my grandparents in minnesota next weekend. the trip itself should be more exciting than the actual destination. layovers in montana, north dakota, other places i've always thought would be pleasant on the eyes but never thought i'd visit. too stuck on being in a city. i need a large population to validate myself, to make it feel like it's expected to be lost in a crowd somewhere. i need to get out of this town, this state even. sacramento has gotten me nowhere so far, still poor, still crass. there has to be some final push that makes me decide to leave and never come back, and i think i've been searching for that for some time now.
i've decided to work on a novel, but i feel like