some time last year i wrote about my lost love...i thought my world had ended when he decided we were no longer right for each other. the sky was no longer blue, the sun did not shine and music did not have the same cadence...up until a few weeks ago, i thought this was the greatest loss of my life. i thought it was as broken as a heart could be. AND THEN i realized...i'd experienced a greater heartbreak...it was when I realized that while my mother loved me deeply, she had no idea what to do with me. By that I mean, she had no form of reference on how to deal with a rebellious girl like myself. Not that she didn't love me...because I know she did and still does, but a free spirited, wild child like myself is not easy to understand for someone like my mom who is far more conventional and traditional. she loved me as best she could...but it wasn't enough for me and it never will be. as a result, i have struggled with love and looked for it in all the wrong and right places...anywhere i could get it or even the promise of it. i searched for it like buried treasure...needle in a haystack...that unconditional love that would support me and accept me flaws and all. unfortunately, that is something my mom can never offer and since i didn't have a father present, it was her love that i needed most. instead, i received criticism, structure and harsh words which for a child like me kills at the soul level. and trust me, i get it. parents don't know what they are doing sometimes when they are doing it, but when she looks at the fragile, fragmented soul that i've been carrying for the past 25 years, i think she finally understands. as she has witnessed the harmful decisions i've made and wondered why i would do such things, she has finally arrived at the answer...she broke my heart...the heart of her only little girl. see, that really was the beginning of my broken heart diary...