Maybe I am over her. Best way to get over a girl is to get under another one, right? So, there are two, Mira and Carolyn. I'll start with Carolyn.
Carolyn is great, she's funny, whimsical, bold and self-reflective. She's a bit too self conscious and not confident enough but she's beautiful and perhaps most important of all, taken but eternally with not the right person.
Mira. I love her name. It's simple and feminine. She, for some time reminded me of Juno and no offense to Ellen Page but I never really took to Juno. But she's not Juno, just her voice. She's more clever but quieter but with judgmental eyes. That is really attractive. Judgmental eyes. And she does have beautiful eyes. Perfectly formed. However she looks too much like a prepubescent girl. Not that she is one but she's also my old professor's daughter. There's this whole Lolita complex that either feature brings but if you put them both together, the effect is compounded. Both of them I can imagine dating but nothing more than kissing. For Carolyn, it's the whole feeling of penetrating her vulnerability and satisfying her, not sexually, but on a deeper level. I don't want to be the cause of her sorrows because I've rarely seen her so happy. Mira is different. I know that if she does pick me then I've already satisfied some component of hers to date but then again is the lolita complex thing. I'm always afraid that it's too weird.
And another day goes on.
Nov. 28 ,
It's been a while since I last wrote here. I don't know what particularly to write. That's not true. I know what I need to write but how do I get there? So, I watched the movie "Adaptation" and like any good piece of fiction, the beginning sets up the middle which sets up the end. THe work is cumulative and each part, necessary. Things make sense. As a sort of "fantasy fulfillment" Kauffman (the character) says, in the beginning, everything that he wants his script to avoid and in the ends ends up writing everything. Deus ex Machina. Sex. Violence. Everything that lacked in his own life. In terms of my own, I was always of the belief that you can get whatever you want it just depends on how badly you want it. I don't know how much longer that's true.
This semester, I've been with "girls" (plural). I had my vacation with Tina. I told Sarah exactly how deeply I feel about her. I had a one night stand. I did end up with someone who I enjoy spending time with and who is also a mix (Mira) and am for the most part quite sexually satisfied. I've been asked out, I've asked out, I wear nice clothes. I smile. I'm known for being good looking, but proud of it. I'm taking courses I enjoy (besides Statistics) and I'm watching movies that I've always been meaning to watch as homework (case in point: Royal Tenenbaums). No one hates me. I have friends. I have money. I can go wherever I want. I found a good place to get noodles. I have a dual monitor set up. I have an Xbox. I have books. I have the iPhone 4. I'm healthy for the most part. What else could I want?
No matter how many times I hook up with whoever, I still miss Sophia.Even going a week without talking other feels odd. I miss her quirks. I miss how much attention she gives me. I miss her vocal inflexions, the way she sounds on the phone, her damn, predictable stubbornness the way she feels on my chest. I miss sleeping beside her. I miss missing her. I miss knowing that she's mine and I'm hers. I miss being hers. I think I've satisfied almost all the things I wanted to do while I was with her but I'm still not happy. I still get lonely. I still want someone to share my day with. I still can't share my day with anyone else except for her. I buy things. I try to look like the person in movies or magazines. I work hard. I do creative things. I'm jealous of other people's experiences in college. I miss the sun. I'm unsure about the future. I don't know what I want to be. I scared I'm not talented enough. I miss writing letters.
Carolyn is great, she's funny, whimsical, bold and self-reflective. She's a bit too self conscious and not confident enough but she's beautiful and perhaps most important of all, taken but eternally with not the right person.
Mira. I love her name. It's simple and feminine. She, for some time reminded me of Juno and no offense to Ellen Page but I never really took to Juno. But she's not Juno, just her voice. She's more clever but quieter but with judgmental eyes. That is really attractive. Judgmental eyes. And she does have beautiful eyes. Perfectly formed. However she looks too much like a prepubescent girl. Not that she is one but she's also my old professor's daughter. There's this whole Lolita complex that either feature brings but if you put them both together, the effect is compounded. Both of them I can imagine dating but nothing more than kissing. For Carolyn, it's the whole feeling of penetrating her vulnerability and satisfying her, not sexually, but on a deeper level. I don't want to be the cause of her sorrows because I've rarely seen her so happy. Mira is different. I know that if she does pick me then I've already satisfied some component of hers to date but then again is the lolita complex thing. I'm always afraid that it's too weird.
And another day goes on.
Nov. 28 ,
It's been a while since I last wrote here. I don't know what particularly to write. That's not true. I know what I need to write but how do I get there? So, I watched the movie "Adaptation" and like any good piece of fiction, the beginning sets up the middle which sets up the end. THe work is cumulative and each part, necessary. Things make sense. As a sort of "fantasy fulfillment" Kauffman (the character) says, in the beginning, everything that he wants his script to avoid and in the ends ends up writing everything. Deus ex Machina. Sex. Violence. Everything that lacked in his own life. In terms of my own, I was always of the belief that you can get whatever you want it just depends on how badly you want it. I don't know how much longer that's true.
This semester, I've been with "girls" (plural). I had my vacation with Tina. I told Sarah exactly how deeply I feel about her. I had a one night stand. I did end up with someone who I enjoy spending time with and who is also a mix (Mira) and am for the most part quite sexually satisfied. I've been asked out, I've asked out, I wear nice clothes. I smile. I'm known for being good looking, but proud of it. I'm taking courses I enjoy (besides Statistics) and I'm watching movies that I've always been meaning to watch as homework (case in point: Royal Tenenbaums). No one hates me. I have friends. I have money. I can go wherever I want. I found a good place to get noodles. I have a dual monitor set up. I have an Xbox. I have books. I have the iPhone 4. I'm healthy for the most part. What else could I want?
No matter how many times I hook up with whoever, I still miss Sophia.Even going a week without talking other feels odd. I miss her quirks. I miss how much attention she gives me. I miss her vocal inflexions, the way she sounds on the phone, her damn, predictable stubbornness the way she feels on my chest. I miss sleeping beside her. I miss missing her. I miss knowing that she's mine and I'm hers. I miss being hers. I think I've satisfied almost all the things I wanted to do while I was with her but I'm still not happy. I still get lonely. I still want someone to share my day with. I still can't share my day with anyone else except for her. I buy things. I try to look like the person in movies or magazines. I work hard. I do creative things. I'm jealous of other people's experiences in college. I miss the sun. I'm unsure about the future. I don't know what I want to be. I scared I'm not talented enough. I miss writing letters.
