As I crept down the stairs I could smell coffee. I heard the crack of a cabinet door closed too hard and the clink of a glass bowl placed on a counter top. The light from the kitchen guided me from the stairs to the sitting room. I pulled myself onto the counter next to the refrigerator.
Harbison turned around and jumped. I'd entered while his back was turned. "Lillian! You scared me," he caught his breath and moved his bowl onto the island so he could face me while we talked. "What are you doing up?"
"I couldn't sleep."
"Are you hungry?"
I laughed and looked at my bony wrist, pale and strained, holding my upper body up. "No, just couldn't sleep."
"Oh." Harbison seemed to realize how ridiculous his assertion of hunger was for me. He knew I wouldn't admit to being hungry.
"You're still getting used to it, aren't you," I asked as I fiddled with my the bracelet on my other wrist.
"Getting used to what? Your disorder?" He busied himself in the cabinet behind him. When he turned around, he was holding a box of pancake mix. "We're used to you refusing to eat. It's the forcing you to eat that's new."
I realized he had a point. Though it was difficult to admit, we all knew it was easier when no one pushed the food issue with me. I knew it was hard for my parents to sit back and watch me waste away, but I also knew it was equally (if not more) difficult to watch me grapple with challenging the disorder. I hadn't made it easy for anyone.
"You used to sit there while Mom cooked." Harbison's words pulled me from my thoughts.
"Yea, I did. Why are you making pancakes at two AM?"
Harbison laughed, "I couldn't sleep either." I nodded and watched as he measured milk for the mix.
"Can I help?" Harbison eyed me warily. "I'm not going to do anything psycho like filter out the butter."
Again Harbison laughed, but a nervous laugh like I'd read his mind. "Sure. Stir for me?" I slid off the counter and rummaged for a wooden spoon as Harbison heated the electric griddle.
Soon, we had a plate of pancakes and I had a predicament. Somehow, I hadn't connected making pancakes with eating pancakes.