The night we met we were so intimately close, but we were entirely strangers as you stepped off of the train. You were the only passenger leaving and I was so worried that I was going to mess up and somehow the train was going to welcome you back with open arms. "Come on Robert, hop back on" they would say as I'd sit in awe and wonder what I could have done differently in the moments prior to your abandonment. It took me a while to adjust to the idea that you want to stay, and that you aren't going to abandon me. It also took me a while to realize how crazy I am for considering all of the different ways that you were going to abandon and hurt me, because that is all everyone else has ever done. Not physically, (though I should mention that some have)Not you. That part of our night was like a scene straight from the most romantic of movies. Something that would be looked at 100 years from now and seen as incredibly innocent and true.
You see I never knew love until I knew you, and I know how cliche that may sound, but it is true. The very first time I heard your voice I knew I loved you, and the moment I realized that was also the first moment I looked at myself and wondered if I belonged in a mental ward, but I don't. Being crazy can't be all that bad if the reason that I am crazy is you. I digress, the night that you got off of the train the snow was falling in the most perfect of ways. It may have been freezing outside, but if it were I couldn't even tell while I was hesitantly approaching the stranger getting off of the long metal linked vehicle which I had just watched from far away as it was lurching closer and closer to my heart and soul. I was too excited and too nervous to feel anything besides love, and though my body may have been shivering I am certain that it was not from cold. The snow was so new and fresh that the only impressions in it were the ones that we made as we walked to one another. I wish I could have saved those impressions so I could have some tangible remain of our very first meeting but I still have you. The drive home was kind of silent. I kept brushing my hair to cover the side of my face so that you couldn't see me as I was driving. I wasn't at all used to the idea that someone would want to spend so much time looking at me. I have never wanted to be looked at until the day you came along. Do you remember our first kiss? We were standing in front of the cheese section in the grocery store and you just could not wait anymore to plant one on me. It was so sweet and wet which made me laugh. The rest of the evening was perfectly wonderful, and is still perfectly private. We shared so many laughs in the following year, I remember the time that I asked you to put on slow music and your solution was something that sounded as if it were straight out of a 007 and ninja movie combined. It was great. Eventually as time went on you and I became closer and closer. I still hold all the warmth that I held for you that first day we met. I hold more now. I also hold more respect and love for myself.
I have met so many women and girls in these past years that seem to be lost within a fog where it is okay for them to allow themselves to be put down and disrespected, and I feel so poorly that I get to experience the love that I have. I remember being at work one night and talking to a girl who told me she was with someone that she found out was cheating on her, but when I asked her why she is sticking around with him she said "because he is what I know and I know one day he will change". I will never understand that logic. If one knows something to be detrimental on their own personal being, why would they not do everything in their power to change something in their life to take that detriment out. Then I realized that is how I used to be too, thought it was not me letting some guy cheat on me, it was me letting myself down and being harmful to myself. I hated myself, because I never saw the value in me. I only heard what other people said about me and I always internalized it, no matter if it was the smallest criticism in the world. I always let it stab me like a jagged knife. I believed every single horrible word or action that was uttered against me, and there are days still where I feel absolutely horrible about myself. Sometimes I look in the mirror and I cry, because I do not recognize myself in the slightest. I do this because I do not feel as if I am beautiful or stunning, or charming, or easy on the eyes, or gorgeous. I feel I am ugly, and I should know better. The thing is I don't. Unless I am with him, the love of my life. He makes me feel beautiful, but not ever without a fight from me first.
I was born at 6lbs and 7 oz on March 28th 1986 in a semi-large town named Elyria in the state of Ohio. My mom and dad were 19 years old and my mom was more excited than I will ever be able to understand until I have children of my own. My moms mom hated her, so she was all too excited to do things right with her own child. My dad was really excited about me too at first I think he lost that excitement soon after that. Since my parents were so young when they had me, they were not the most prepared parents entering the scene. There were a lot of things that I went without. Growing up I just knew that there was something wrong with me. I was always so worried about doing anything that was "childish", even though I was a child. I just knew that someone would find out if I liked a pokemon, or played a lot of video games, or did anything that little kids would have found to be fun. My mom would always tell me to go and have fun, that growing up would come so fast and I should enjoy being a child while I still could. This was something that I completely rejected, because every single day when I went to school I got to face the repercussions of Mom and Dads decision to have me early. I was poor, and man there wasn't one person who didn't notice that. I didn't have the brand name clothes, and I didn't have the cool school supplies that everyone else had I had what I needed and nice enough clothes on my back to keep me warm, but that wasn't good enough for every other girl or boy who walked the halls of my what seemed to be infinitely large elementary school. I just didn't fit, and I knew it was all my fault because I was so ugly and so unfit to be in the same universe as these people. This is what I endured all throughout my years as a student. From the time that I started school until the day I graduated it I was made fun of and I was bullied. I was bullied so much at times that I started bullying myself, and eventually I rallied up just enough courage to build up so many thick walls that I became a prisoner within myself. But you have changed that. You have let me know that I am everything, and if other people don't see that they are the ones who are missing out on something great. I will never know a love like the love I know with you, and I never want to. You are my everything.
You see I never knew love until I knew you, and I know how cliche that may sound, but it is true. The very first time I heard your voice I knew I loved you, and the moment I realized that was also the first moment I looked at myself and wondered if I belonged in a mental ward, but I don't. Being crazy can't be all that bad if the reason that I am crazy is you. I digress, the night that you got off of the train the snow was falling in the most perfect of ways. It may have been freezing outside, but if it were I couldn't even tell while I was hesitantly approaching the stranger getting off of the long metal linked vehicle which I had just watched from far away as it was lurching closer and closer to my heart and soul. I was too excited and too nervous to feel anything besides love, and though my body may have been shivering I am certain that it was not from cold. The snow was so new and fresh that the only impressions in it were the ones that we made as we walked to one another. I wish I could have saved those impressions so I could have some tangible remain of our very first meeting but I still have you. The drive home was kind of silent. I kept brushing my hair to cover the side of my face so that you couldn't see me as I was driving. I wasn't at all used to the idea that someone would want to spend so much time looking at me. I have never wanted to be looked at until the day you came along. Do you remember our first kiss? We were standing in front of the cheese section in the grocery store and you just could not wait anymore to plant one on me. It was so sweet and wet which made me laugh. The rest of the evening was perfectly wonderful, and is still perfectly private. We shared so many laughs in the following year, I remember the time that I asked you to put on slow music and your solution was something that sounded as if it were straight out of a 007 and ninja movie combined. It was great. Eventually as time went on you and I became closer and closer. I still hold all the warmth that I held for you that first day we met. I hold more now. I also hold more respect and love for myself.
I have met so many women and girls in these past years that seem to be lost within a fog where it is okay for them to allow themselves to be put down and disrespected, and I feel so poorly that I get to experience the love that I have. I remember being at work one night and talking to a girl who told me she was with someone that she found out was cheating on her, but when I asked her why she is sticking around with him she said "because he is what I know and I know one day he will change". I will never understand that logic. If one knows something to be detrimental on their own personal being, why would they not do everything in their power to change something in their life to take that detriment out. Then I realized that is how I used to be too, thought it was not me letting some guy cheat on me, it was me letting myself down and being harmful to myself. I hated myself, because I never saw the value in me. I only heard what other people said about me and I always internalized it, no matter if it was the smallest criticism in the world. I always let it stab me like a jagged knife. I believed every single horrible word or action that was uttered against me, and there are days still where I feel absolutely horrible about myself. Sometimes I look in the mirror and I cry, because I do not recognize myself in the slightest. I do this because I do not feel as if I am beautiful or stunning, or charming, or easy on the eyes, or gorgeous. I feel I am ugly, and I should know better. The thing is I don't. Unless I am with him, the love of my life. He makes me feel beautiful, but not ever without a fight from me first.
I was born at 6lbs and 7 oz on March 28th 1986 in a semi-large town named Elyria in the state of Ohio. My mom and dad were 19 years old and my mom was more excited than I will ever be able to understand until I have children of my own. My moms mom hated her, so she was all too excited to do things right with her own child. My dad was really excited about me too at first I think he lost that excitement soon after that. Since my parents were so young when they had me, they were not the most prepared parents entering the scene. There were a lot of things that I went without. Growing up I just knew that there was something wrong with me. I was always so worried about doing anything that was "childish", even though I was a child. I just knew that someone would find out if I liked a pokemon, or played a lot of video games, or did anything that little kids would have found to be fun. My mom would always tell me to go and have fun, that growing up would come so fast and I should enjoy being a child while I still could. This was something that I completely rejected, because every single day when I went to school I got to face the repercussions of Mom and Dads decision to have me early. I was poor, and man there wasn't one person who didn't notice that. I didn't have the brand name clothes, and I didn't have the cool school supplies that everyone else had I had what I needed and nice enough clothes on my back to keep me warm, but that wasn't good enough for every other girl or boy who walked the halls of my what seemed to be infinitely large elementary school. I just didn't fit, and I knew it was all my fault because I was so ugly and so unfit to be in the same universe as these people. This is what I endured all throughout my years as a student. From the time that I started school until the day I graduated it I was made fun of and I was bullied. I was bullied so much at times that I started bullying myself, and eventually I rallied up just enough courage to build up so many thick walls that I became a prisoner within myself. But you have changed that. You have let me know that I am everything, and if other people don't see that they are the ones who are missing out on something great. I will never know a love like the love I know with you, and I never want to. You are my everything.
