oh, wow, this is a beautiful idea, as most are, but, like most beautiful ideas, i don't know what to do with it. what do i write? what do i say? well, it's 12:37 in the morning, and i can't remember the last time i feel asleep somewhere before this time of day and what day of the week it is. i do know that it is braden and i's six month anniversary soon, though. in five days, to be exact. the 13th. not sure what we're going to do, but it will likely be awkward and much more like friends cuddling with the occasional kiss, serious moment, or heated make out session. i love him. i'm in love with him, even, but i'm just not sure if it's the kind of throw-caution-to-the-wind, i-can't-live-without-you, let's-watch-infomercials-on-mute-and-listen-to-REM kind of love i'm looking for. i'm not sure if john has that kind of love i'm looking for or if i only 'love' (i say love loosely, there is no such thing as one sided love) him in the same way that i love every other boy in a plain red shirt and a guitar in his hand. at least john likes the beatles. i'm so hungry but i'm just not sure what for anymore. that's me in the spotlight losing my religion. REM makes me feel things. i'm not sure what kinds of things either, but i do know that whatever they are, they make my hands shake and my breath shudder in and out.