I stared, cautiously, at what i was writing and i knew there would come a time when everything about my self would transfer into another mind and body. i worry often about my role as a daughter and sometimes for get that one day i will be a mother and wife. when i actually sit down and think about it, i think i'll be ok. but really is ok? will i be nurturing enough. will i have the will to get out of bed and bake cupcakes for the bake sale on a 16 hour notice? will i be able to tuck my children in and still have the energy to make love to my husband? these question seldom plague my mind, but they do however play a role in my everyday thinking of if im ready or not. i want to be ready but i feel as thoguh there are so many other things to accomplish before i get there. but what if it was here? would i be able to do it? i sit here at my computer and words pour onto this screen and i often allow myself to become vulnerable to the pen. I love that fucking pen.
I sit here at this god forsaken liquor store and tlak to my married lover. i miss him so much and its so hard to picture me without him. however, hes married. he cant goive me anything more than 2 hour conversations while his wife is finshing at work. shes going to move out and i hope its sooner than later, but that doesnt change that something is missing from our relationship, something i cant ask him for:time. time is so important to cultivate things. im running out of things to say because we dont experience. conversations often relate back to sex and it paoins me because i actually like him. and i wonder how he snuck into my life. how i allowed this man, with all of these other things surroundong him to deter my life. not that its gone off badly, but it's just one more thing to worry about. one more thing to think about and one more case of the "drama" i could probably do without. im 25 and living home and i want to married and i want to have a fmaily and i want to know that no matter what someone has my back and he doesnt, cant, wont have my back. then ill be worse off than i am now and that scares me.
I sit here at this god forsaken liquor store and tlak to my married lover. i miss him so much and its so hard to picture me without him. however, hes married. he cant goive me anything more than 2 hour conversations while his wife is finshing at work. shes going to move out and i hope its sooner than later, but that doesnt change that something is missing from our relationship, something i cant ask him for:time. time is so important to cultivate things. im running out of things to say because we dont experience. conversations often relate back to sex and it paoins me because i actually like him. and i wonder how he snuck into my life. how i allowed this man, with all of these other things surroundong him to deter my life. not that its gone off badly, but it's just one more thing to worry about. one more thing to think about and one more case of the "drama" i could probably do without. im 25 and living home and i want to married and i want to have a fmaily and i want to know that no matter what someone has my back and he doesnt, cant, wont have my back. then ill be worse off than i am now and that scares me.
