I'm hitting that point again.
I'm a control freak, and I can't think straight if I'm not living three days into the future. I don't do well with "wait and see", and I don't do well with things I can't control. So I stress. A lot. I stress and I worry, but somewhere under all that worry I'm happy, too, because I have wonderful things like my friends at work, and a major that I love. And those things keep me busy enough that I don't always worry too much. I juggle worry and stress with happy and productive, and I manage.
But this is not juggling. This is not finding the happy to counteract the ugly. This is me fighting the one-sided battle to keep from giving up. From quitting my job and dropping out and moving home and just stopping. Sleeping all day. Not eating, not thinking, not trying to have a future because I just can't. I'm alone and I'm tired and I've lost the happy so I'm fighting this ridiculous battle. And this time, I'm losing.
The last time I lost this hard, I was 16 and I needed help. But being 21 and needing help is not the same as being 16 and needing help. Adults have problems, and we figure them out. Only I'm not figuring anything out and I don't know how to stop lying in my bed at 1am, convinced that I have no one. I can't stop feeling like I have just failed at living.
This can't be what life is supposed to be like.
I'm a control freak, and I can't think straight if I'm not living three days into the future. I don't do well with "wait and see", and I don't do well with things I can't control. So I stress. A lot. I stress and I worry, but somewhere under all that worry I'm happy, too, because I have wonderful things like my friends at work, and a major that I love. And those things keep me busy enough that I don't always worry too much. I juggle worry and stress with happy and productive, and I manage.
But this is not juggling. This is not finding the happy to counteract the ugly. This is me fighting the one-sided battle to keep from giving up. From quitting my job and dropping out and moving home and just stopping. Sleeping all day. Not eating, not thinking, not trying to have a future because I just can't. I'm alone and I'm tired and I've lost the happy so I'm fighting this ridiculous battle. And this time, I'm losing.
The last time I lost this hard, I was 16 and I needed help. But being 21 and needing help is not the same as being 16 and needing help. Adults have problems, and we figure them out. Only I'm not figuring anything out and I don't know how to stop lying in my bed at 1am, convinced that I have no one. I can't stop feeling like I have just failed at living.
This can't be what life is supposed to be like.
