I loved you, and you left. You were the one I could go to when I needed help and you went to a gun. Yeah, things were bad, but it would have changed. Sometimes, when things are bad, you take a nap to escape, you don't sleep permanently. How could you do this to me? To us? I hate you for what you did. You think it was a solution? Well, it wasn't, and I hope you know that. I hope everyday you see what you did. See what you could have if you would have just stayed. I'm not going to let this go.. I don't think I ever will. It's too much. You ruined my life, and I hate you for it. When you left, you took a little of me. A little of everyone. I just want to know what you were thinking when you found the gun.. What you were thinking when you went looking for the bullets. What went through your head when you put the gun to your head. Who did you think this would help? Did you think this wouldn't be a big deal at all? Did you think your death would go unnoticed? I just want to know what went through your goddamn head when you pulled that goddamn trigger. Did I even cross your mind? I hate you. I hate you. I HATE YOU! How could you? It's not fair. I didn't even get a chance to make you change your mind. A chance to say goodbye. I hate you! But I love you.. You know I can't hate you forever and you know one day I will move on. But right now I'm so mad that you had the nerve to pull the shit you did. To pull the trigger. I want you here to hold me and tell me everything will be alright. To at least know someone has my back. Someone I could trust. Someone I know that wouldn't dare stick a knife in my back. But I guess I was wrong about that. You took the biggest, sharpest knife you could find and stabbed it straight into my back. You dug it deep. You twisted it and pushed it in. You made it hurt. Hurt bad. You dug it deep. How deep did you want to go? Nothing is compared to how far you went. You destroyed me and I hate you for that. But I love you because you were my family, my friend. You were there for me, but now you are not and I have to grow and accept that I am no longer human again. I have to live day to day and find out who I am and make the hardest decisions on my own. Try to save my sanity, Hold on to the perfect little world I grew up in, Trying to save the person I want to be before you ripped it all away from me. I want to be a normal teenager in this world and I want to survive without any complications. But that obviously isn't going to work out that way now is it... Its funny to think that after all this I hate you so much but I still find a small hint of love for you. I hope you are watching me grow and watching all of your friends and family move forward in life and I hope you hurt over it.
R . I . P . ... its been 7 years and I am still struggling without you..