When I look out my window no matter what the weather is actually like outside I see this gloom for no real reason. I have no reason to feel sad or depressed because my life is perfectly lovely in ever way conceivable but yet there is this could that seems to follow me no matter where I go.
Maybe the problem is that I don't talk to people anymore. A long time ago I gave up on the idea that I could get anything accomplished in life and be happy while keeping friends. They make things complicated. Relationships are weird things. they work two ways but each member of them seem to only care for themselves most of the time. I wanted to please everyone at the same time and strove to be what everyone wanted me to be at the same time and it made me miserable. I lost sight of who I really was and what I liked. To think day I still don't know myself nearly as well as I should, in fact a total stranger could know me better than I know myself which is pretty sad when you think of it.
When I realized what happened to me I knew I needed a change. Instead of slowly separating myself from my old friends, finding new friends and discovering what I used to love to do like any rational human being would do I took a more drastic course. i cut myself off from everyone. I stopped talking to everyone who I once knew. I stayed in my room for days at a time writing poetry, reading novels and listening to music. Some time later I emerged as a person who was hardly recognizable to anyone who had known me in the past. Unfortunately my friends weren't as strong willed as I was and wanted to remain friends simply because we had been friends for so long even though we no longer had nothing in common. They started to do what I did. Like things that they didn't really like because I did and it was painful to watch. They would say things like they liked a book that I liked but wouldn't be able to discuss the plot because they hadn't really liked it that much or in some cases they had never even read the book. They pretending to like the same music I did, praised my favourite composers and listen to alternative rock when I was around but switched it back to folk, a genre which to this day I despise, as soon as I left.
I'm sure you could try to imagine what this would feel like. All that you had worked so hard to regain was slowly being stripped away from you and you couldn't do anything about it. Suddenly you were that unidentified being again who didn't really have a self but was one of a crowd. This is why the skies always look gray now. I know I'll never be myself. I'll always be another who can see what's going on, who I want to be and see that there's no way that it can never be.
Maybe the problem is that I don't talk to people anymore. A long time ago I gave up on the idea that I could get anything accomplished in life and be happy while keeping friends. They make things complicated. Relationships are weird things. they work two ways but each member of them seem to only care for themselves most of the time. I wanted to please everyone at the same time and strove to be what everyone wanted me to be at the same time and it made me miserable. I lost sight of who I really was and what I liked. To think day I still don't know myself nearly as well as I should, in fact a total stranger could know me better than I know myself which is pretty sad when you think of it.
When I realized what happened to me I knew I needed a change. Instead of slowly separating myself from my old friends, finding new friends and discovering what I used to love to do like any rational human being would do I took a more drastic course. i cut myself off from everyone. I stopped talking to everyone who I once knew. I stayed in my room for days at a time writing poetry, reading novels and listening to music. Some time later I emerged as a person who was hardly recognizable to anyone who had known me in the past. Unfortunately my friends weren't as strong willed as I was and wanted to remain friends simply because we had been friends for so long even though we no longer had nothing in common. They started to do what I did. Like things that they didn't really like because I did and it was painful to watch. They would say things like they liked a book that I liked but wouldn't be able to discuss the plot because they hadn't really liked it that much or in some cases they had never even read the book. They pretending to like the same music I did, praised my favourite composers and listen to alternative rock when I was around but switched it back to folk, a genre which to this day I despise, as soon as I left.
I'm sure you could try to imagine what this would feel like. All that you had worked so hard to regain was slowly being stripped away from you and you couldn't do anything about it. Suddenly you were that unidentified being again who didn't really have a self but was one of a crowd. This is why the skies always look gray now. I know I'll never be myself. I'll always be another who can see what's going on, who I want to be and see that there's no way that it can never be.
