"Charlie, we accept the love we think we deserve."
-Stephen Chbosky
I am a mess. I was raised in a household where affection was not a given, but as some sort of reward for something well done. What's worse, the accomplishment would, most of the time, be touted as insufficient, and so went that vicious cycle. Luckily, I found someone who did not make me feel the need to work just to be loved, but gave me love freely, without threat of withdrawal should circumstances be less than ideal. Where everything used to go beautifully, things are feeling slightly off on my end because I believe that I am unused to not being the center of his universe. I remember something he said earlier on in the relationship, where he said he felt as if he did not deserve anybody, considering the sorry state of his affairs at the time. I'm not sure if he thinks they've improved but I think he's comfortable with the idea that yes, he is indeed, very much loved. Things have made a bit of a turn and it's my time to feel like I am not worthy. I am unemployed and I do mostly nothing 5 days out the week. I have been snapping at him, and I admit I have been a little needy but I will chalk it up to boredom. I love him a lot and losing him wouldn't kill me, but I don't look forward to it either. I don't know what to do. I'm avoidant, you see. I run and hide at the first sign of trouble. Better swept under the rug and (hopefully) forgotten than dealing with it. Do I feel like I deserve him? I guess so, considering the crap the universe has been flinging at me the past how many years. The only problem here is me. Me, with the self-esteem of a leper.
However, with a few tweaks here and there, from me and circumstances around me, I have found that I am capable of being loved and loving in return.
Speaking of love and the case of crazy versus myself, I have come out as the clear victor. I heard of a friend's plight with his now ex-girlfriend and she makes me seem like a lamb. I may have my fits of hormone-induced insanity but in comparison, I am the level-headed one. She went as far as some very top level detective work, bordering on stalkerish, coupled with yelling and accusing. It's all fun to hear about because these are the things you only see in films when it looks like it's all too common and the ones bearing its brunt are, in terms of bipolar intensity, the men. The women are limited to emotional manipulation and abuse of sorts but at least the men have it down to a nice subtle cruelty; women are more outright and straightforward, with all the noise of a fire alarm. However, my observations are in no way applicable to all, as I have known of men who have the same level of terrible as the biggest shrew of a woman.
It's strange to me how people and their actions sometimes seem to reflect the total opposite of how they feel and what they intend. In the attempt to keep someone, they wind up driving them away -- multiple times, natch.
See that? That's me, being smug.
-Stephen Chbosky
I am a mess. I was raised in a household where affection was not a given, but as some sort of reward for something well done. What's worse, the accomplishment would, most of the time, be touted as insufficient, and so went that vicious cycle. Luckily, I found someone who did not make me feel the need to work just to be loved, but gave me love freely, without threat of withdrawal should circumstances be less than ideal. Where everything used to go beautifully, things are feeling slightly off on my end because I believe that I am unused to not being the center of his universe. I remember something he said earlier on in the relationship, where he said he felt as if he did not deserve anybody, considering the sorry state of his affairs at the time. I'm not sure if he thinks they've improved but I think he's comfortable with the idea that yes, he is indeed, very much loved. Things have made a bit of a turn and it's my time to feel like I am not worthy. I am unemployed and I do mostly nothing 5 days out the week. I have been snapping at him, and I admit I have been a little needy but I will chalk it up to boredom. I love him a lot and losing him wouldn't kill me, but I don't look forward to it either. I don't know what to do. I'm avoidant, you see. I run and hide at the first sign of trouble. Better swept under the rug and (hopefully) forgotten than dealing with it. Do I feel like I deserve him? I guess so, considering the crap the universe has been flinging at me the past how many years. The only problem here is me. Me, with the self-esteem of a leper.
However, with a few tweaks here and there, from me and circumstances around me, I have found that I am capable of being loved and loving in return.
Speaking of love and the case of crazy versus myself, I have come out as the clear victor. I heard of a friend's plight with his now ex-girlfriend and she makes me seem like a lamb. I may have my fits of hormone-induced insanity but in comparison, I am the level-headed one. She went as far as some very top level detective work, bordering on stalkerish, coupled with yelling and accusing. It's all fun to hear about because these are the things you only see in films when it looks like it's all too common and the ones bearing its brunt are, in terms of bipolar intensity, the men. The women are limited to emotional manipulation and abuse of sorts but at least the men have it down to a nice subtle cruelty; women are more outright and straightforward, with all the noise of a fire alarm. However, my observations are in no way applicable to all, as I have known of men who have the same level of terrible as the biggest shrew of a woman.
It's strange to me how people and their actions sometimes seem to reflect the total opposite of how they feel and what they intend. In the attempt to keep someone, they wind up driving them away -- multiple times, natch.
See that? That's me, being smug.
