"Give the yellow piece of paper to the person you want to get to know better."
Immediately, my body started shaking. He was the first person I could think of. This little "admiring from afar" thing has been going on for almost a year but I'm seriously clueless when it comes to making friends. I don't think I've ever even had an actual minutes-lasting conversation with him.
My classmates started going around the room, giving the people who they want to get to know better the vibrant colored paper with the wish of being more than acquaintances. I was having an argument with myself.
"If I give it to him, that's it, he'll get weary and maybe even awkward since he's going to know that I want to get a bit closer to him," I frown upon myself. "But if I don't give it to him... he'll never know and I have to carry wanting to be closer to him by myself. Him not knowing ever."
So I took a deep breath and stood up.
While I was walking towards him, he was looking to his side, chatting with one of his guy friends. When I got in front of him, he looked up, saw that I was holding out the yellow piece of paper and took it. I couldn't paint his face. Did he look surprised? Was he thinking that we could never be friends while accepting the paper? Did he consider being closer to my best friend-- who gave her paper to him also since the guy she wanted to get to know better was not present --than with me?
I walked back to my chair, feeling relieved and disarmed. It was a relief that he got a hint that I want to get to know him better but it made me feel too exposed and nude. It was probably the worse feeling I had for the whole day yesterday.
It was just a piece of paper. He probably threw it away by now. He wasn't the one who gave it to me anyway. I'm the one who's supposed to give the effort of being friends. Is he expecting now for me to talk to him more often? Or is it not a big deal for him?
Being sociable and approachable has never been my strong suit. But all my current close friends became what they are to me because they were the ones who talked to me first, if not, I waited for them to get comfortable with me until I knew that I could get a conversation and a "getting to know you" talk. He probably isn't thinking much about me giving him the piece of paper but I can't keep wondering what's on his mind.
At our last class, while waiting for our class to be dismissed, I glanced at him as fast as I could. He was sitting at the very back of the table, looking in front of him. When I looked at his face, he was looking at me. Quickly, I turned to the boy beside me and pretended that I was laughing at what my seatmate said.
Was he looking at me? If he was, why? Was it because the movement of my head that made his eyes revert to my direction and nothing more? Or was he searching for proof? Proof that I like him, proof that the piece of paper told the truth. But...
All I can do is ask questions.
I asked him what he was waiting for earlier today, at dismissal, and he told me that he didn't know. The words from me and him drifted in the wind as fast as I let my question escape.
Why is it so hard for him to come to me first? I'm starting to think that I'm probably not his type of person that he'd like to get to know. That I'm too quiet and uninteresting. So plain and boring and bleh. He gave his piece of paper to some other girl, anyway. I'm not jealous of her, but I... maybe... I don't know. I'm confused.
Don't get me wrong.
I'm in love with my boyfriend. I am. There's just this curiosity that I feel whenever I look at or hear him talk. It's as if he's always so interesting. Always proud. Always thinking. Always something. Always anything.
Why is it that I'm more interested in him than I am with him? Couldn't it have been some other boy who's easier to befriend? A boy who's more comfortable with me?
I don't like asking this much questions. I've been struggling to come up with answers for almost a year and always ending my sentences and train of thought with a question mark leaves me miserable.
He won't come to me, I know. I'm not really expecting anything. But I just think that giving him that yellow piece of paper makes him think that he could come up to me and just talk or anything. I don't know.
I just want to get to know him better.
Immediately, my body started shaking. He was the first person I could think of. This little "admiring from afar" thing has been going on for almost a year but I'm seriously clueless when it comes to making friends. I don't think I've ever even had an actual minutes-lasting conversation with him.
My classmates started going around the room, giving the people who they want to get to know better the vibrant colored paper with the wish of being more than acquaintances. I was having an argument with myself.
"If I give it to him, that's it, he'll get weary and maybe even awkward since he's going to know that I want to get a bit closer to him," I frown upon myself. "But if I don't give it to him... he'll never know and I have to carry wanting to be closer to him by myself. Him not knowing ever."
So I took a deep breath and stood up.
While I was walking towards him, he was looking to his side, chatting with one of his guy friends. When I got in front of him, he looked up, saw that I was holding out the yellow piece of paper and took it. I couldn't paint his face. Did he look surprised? Was he thinking that we could never be friends while accepting the paper? Did he consider being closer to my best friend-- who gave her paper to him also since the guy she wanted to get to know better was not present --than with me?
I walked back to my chair, feeling relieved and disarmed. It was a relief that he got a hint that I want to get to know him better but it made me feel too exposed and nude. It was probably the worse feeling I had for the whole day yesterday.
It was just a piece of paper. He probably threw it away by now. He wasn't the one who gave it to me anyway. I'm the one who's supposed to give the effort of being friends. Is he expecting now for me to talk to him more often? Or is it not a big deal for him?
Being sociable and approachable has never been my strong suit. But all my current close friends became what they are to me because they were the ones who talked to me first, if not, I waited for them to get comfortable with me until I knew that I could get a conversation and a "getting to know you" talk. He probably isn't thinking much about me giving him the piece of paper but I can't keep wondering what's on his mind.
At our last class, while waiting for our class to be dismissed, I glanced at him as fast as I could. He was sitting at the very back of the table, looking in front of him. When I looked at his face, he was looking at me. Quickly, I turned to the boy beside me and pretended that I was laughing at what my seatmate said.
Was he looking at me? If he was, why? Was it because the movement of my head that made his eyes revert to my direction and nothing more? Or was he searching for proof? Proof that I like him, proof that the piece of paper told the truth. But...
All I can do is ask questions.
I asked him what he was waiting for earlier today, at dismissal, and he told me that he didn't know. The words from me and him drifted in the wind as fast as I let my question escape.
Why is it so hard for him to come to me first? I'm starting to think that I'm probably not his type of person that he'd like to get to know. That I'm too quiet and uninteresting. So plain and boring and bleh. He gave his piece of paper to some other girl, anyway. I'm not jealous of her, but I... maybe... I don't know. I'm confused.
Don't get me wrong.
I'm in love with my boyfriend. I am. There's just this curiosity that I feel whenever I look at or hear him talk. It's as if he's always so interesting. Always proud. Always thinking. Always something. Always anything.
Why is it that I'm more interested in him than I am with him? Couldn't it have been some other boy who's easier to befriend? A boy who's more comfortable with me?
I don't like asking this much questions. I've been struggling to come up with answers for almost a year and always ending my sentences and train of thought with a question mark leaves me miserable.
He won't come to me, I know. I'm not really expecting anything. But I just think that giving him that yellow piece of paper makes him think that he could come up to me and just talk or anything. I don't know.
I just want to get to know him better.
