Step One:
Be as exhausted as possible. Don't want to go. Stare at couch longingly, thinking "I could sit on that." Pull out every item of clothing you own. Curse yourself for not doing laundry. Try on dozens of outfits; inevitably settle on the first one. Put on some really pretty vintage jewellery. Add a few Justin Bieber Silly Bandz to keep it whimsical. Put on your comfortable shoes, no wait, get the heels, what if we walk a lot, the heels will give you blisters but they make your legs look skinny? Choose the heels. Throw your essentials in an old clutch purse. Leave twenty minutes late.
Step Two:
Walk to location of girls night. Immediately regret the heels. Walk in late; pretend to be really excited to see everyone. Ignore the girls you don't really know. Get trapped in pointless, overly polite conversation with girl you only know a little. Accept a glass of wine, drink it, pour yourself another one without asking. Smoke some weed. Exhale like a fucking champ; everyone applauds. Get way too high and forget people's names. Dance in the living room while everyone else sits and talks. Eavesdrop on peoples conversations: "But I thought he was gay? He just seems so hostile to everyone? Why did he leave the party early?" etc. They are talking about a guy you hate anyways so you just laugh to yourself.
Step Three:
Have a discussion about what bar you are going to. The one where a friend of a friend is dj-ing always wins. Reflect on how these "DJs" are always just princesses with Mac laptops; laugh to yourself. Everyone else is pretty drunk so no one notices. Walk to bar. Get trapped in a conversation with a girl you only know a little. She is a little strange, a little hostile, you can already picture her as a bitter old lady. She talks about her boyfriend nonstop. "I mean, I love him, but do I want him to be the father of my children?" WTF? What did you do to deserve a conversation like this? Nod and smile and say generic advice. Get to the bar.
Step Four:
Be surprised that bar is cool and drinks are cheap. Feel jaded for always expecting to hate new things; remember that new things always suck and go back to being self-righteous. Down a vodka soda. Dance a little. The DJ (a princess with good hair and Mac laptop, unsurprisingly) is playing hip hop songs that make you think of eighth grade and Julia Stiles in Save the Last Dance. Reflect on the racist implications of a bunch of privileged white girls excitedly yelling out "AND IF YOU DON'T KNOW, NOW YOU KNOW, NIGGER." Purposely don't say the n-word and judge the girls that do.
Step Four:
Back to the bar, give a big tip for no reason. Turn around and notice the really attractive boy (and he is a boy, really, he has a backdrop for God's sake) talking to your friends. He is looking at you now. Whoops. Sip your drink and look away. He approaches.
Be as exhausted as possible. Don't want to go. Stare at couch longingly, thinking "I could sit on that." Pull out every item of clothing you own. Curse yourself for not doing laundry. Try on dozens of outfits; inevitably settle on the first one. Put on some really pretty vintage jewellery. Add a few Justin Bieber Silly Bandz to keep it whimsical. Put on your comfortable shoes, no wait, get the heels, what if we walk a lot, the heels will give you blisters but they make your legs look skinny? Choose the heels. Throw your essentials in an old clutch purse. Leave twenty minutes late.
Step Two:
Walk to location of girls night. Immediately regret the heels. Walk in late; pretend to be really excited to see everyone. Ignore the girls you don't really know. Get trapped in pointless, overly polite conversation with girl you only know a little. Accept a glass of wine, drink it, pour yourself another one without asking. Smoke some weed. Exhale like a fucking champ; everyone applauds. Get way too high and forget people's names. Dance in the living room while everyone else sits and talks. Eavesdrop on peoples conversations: "But I thought he was gay? He just seems so hostile to everyone? Why did he leave the party early?" etc. They are talking about a guy you hate anyways so you just laugh to yourself.
Step Three:
Have a discussion about what bar you are going to. The one where a friend of a friend is dj-ing always wins. Reflect on how these "DJs" are always just princesses with Mac laptops; laugh to yourself. Everyone else is pretty drunk so no one notices. Walk to bar. Get trapped in a conversation with a girl you only know a little. She is a little strange, a little hostile, you can already picture her as a bitter old lady. She talks about her boyfriend nonstop. "I mean, I love him, but do I want him to be the father of my children?" WTF? What did you do to deserve a conversation like this? Nod and smile and say generic advice. Get to the bar.
Step Four:
Be surprised that bar is cool and drinks are cheap. Feel jaded for always expecting to hate new things; remember that new things always suck and go back to being self-righteous. Down a vodka soda. Dance a little. The DJ (a princess with good hair and Mac laptop, unsurprisingly) is playing hip hop songs that make you think of eighth grade and Julia Stiles in Save the Last Dance. Reflect on the racist implications of a bunch of privileged white girls excitedly yelling out "AND IF YOU DON'T KNOW, NOW YOU KNOW, NIGGER." Purposely don't say the n-word and judge the girls that do.
Step Four:
Back to the bar, give a big tip for no reason. Turn around and notice the really attractive boy (and he is a boy, really, he has a backdrop for God's sake) talking to your friends. He is looking at you now. Whoops. Sip your drink and look away. He approaches.
