the vodka at the corner of the table, just visible over the stacks of used dishes and piles of crap, it calls to me. out of the corner of my eye, i think, 'yes, i am fucking drunk. yes, i have too much to do.' the piles of homework, the answers empty and the ones that have been filled in, meaningless. sprawled across the patches of what would be table and stained with last nights adventures. maybe the night before that, really i can't remember. really, i don't care. the teacher will probably never see it. the teacher probably won't ever care. i stumble up the stairs in a stupor that only i can recognize as sad and alone and drunk. i pray that i won't wake up with torn jeans and rug burned elbows. i hope that tomorrow will be different, but i'll still be the same. it will still be the same. the small differences not effecting me until it's far too late to change anything. until the patterns have been ingrained into my muscles, spelling nonsense and making mazes that will never be completed. i cross my fingers that i'll wake up and think differently than i do. but that's just wishful thinking. i blow my nose in used napkins because i can't find anything cleaner. the cold that has been with me since you have. that should tell me something, but i disregard it as me not taking care of myself. really i can't remember, really i don't care. i'll heal eventually, on my own time. i'll wake up one day and not notice that i can breathe clearly until a week or so later. at that point, the exact date that i was able to breathe will have escaped me. lost in the maze. i strip to my tshirt and underwear. i'd go around like this all the time if i could, but i get too cold. the clothes scatter accross the floor. among the piles of other outfits that have covered me over the past month or so. the only belongings i really own. peeling back the covers, you shiver. the cold penetrating your now warm skin. i crawl in, wrap me around you, close my eyes. i'm just visible under the covers, behind your shoulder, entertwined between your legs. right where i want to be at the end of the day. the one thing i care about. the one thing that matters.