Have you ever wondered how people survive these moments? These moments of utter, mortal despair? There are no words to describe the depth of darkness, of emptiness, of hopelessness.

I don't even feel like I am here right now. But rather floating above my body. Watching myself as I clumsily type these words.

I feel as if I have lost two friends. One to actual, tragic, mortal death and the other to eternal heartbreak. I feel as if I have lost myself in helplessness.

I close my eyes and I see a dead kid, only a year younger than I. I close my eyes and I see my best friends boyfriend. I close my eyes and I see potential that never got it's moment. I close my eyes and I wonder why it wasn't me. I close my eyes and think that his life could have been so much more. I close my eyes and think that his love was so young, so real, so vibrant. I close my eyes and I see darkness where I wish I saw light.

I don't want to mope like this. I want to cherish his memory, and the memory of others, but it is so hard to do when you don't know what it's for. Life can be stolen from under your feet in a moment. Taken in a blindly fast instant. You might not even know it was coming. No goodbyes, no last goodnight kisses, just darkness. Eternal sleep.

It's not fair. He didn't deserve this. She doesn't deserve this.