What is up with me today? I am trying to figure that out. I just feel a bit...off. Is it because my day started off kind of hurriedly/abnormally? I almost feel like I'm sort of in a shitty mood, but I just can't quite pinpoint why. I sort of just feel bored with everything in a way, is what part of me says, but I always try to avoid being "bored" or even considering that I might be, just because it's just so...futile. And not to mention pointless, unhealthy, and, well, boring...much like that lyric from that song "Flagpole Sitta": "...but if you're bored then you're boring"...yeah. And I know I am most certainly not. So what's the deal? I guess just the past week or so in general has been a bit of a strange one in terms of my mind being distracted and thinking sort of differently. And ya know, maybe part of it was from my chat with Kari, as strange as that may sound. And I guess while it was a fascinating discussion (topics ranging from monogamy to swinging to gay marriage to socialism/libertarianism)...maybe I enjoyed it a little too much; I almost felt like I was trying to put myself in her mindset, what it would be like to actually have those viewpoints and think/feel that way, and in a way it left me feeling a bit...empty. Vapid, kind of...imagining having a thought process/worldview of complete, well...apathy, in a way? No God = no morals? Ayn Rand would say differently, but for some reason I have sort of distanced myself from that whole philosophy lately...I just feel like I have a few issues with it that I can't quite reconcile/come to terms with I guess...though it did feel exciting/renewing even to sort of latch on to something like that with such vigor and certainty, adapting a mindset you felt you could relate to, identify with, and sort of let it guide your every thought, emotion and decision in a way...setting up a kind of framework, laying a kind of foundation I suppose...that everything else sort of builds upon and becomes integrated, clear, and certain. Maybe I just need to start reading more again? And just sort of take it with a grain of salt, take it for what it is, go with it, "have an open mind" so to speak...forgetting any of the problems/issues you have with it that linger in the back of your mind. And yet at times when I feel like this, I also just get annoyed with myself for "thinking so much into things"...am I over-complicating everything? And why do I feel like only just recently I was feeling "happy as a clam", loving life...but maybe I still am? I just feel sort of...numb almost in a way. Indifferent. I refuse to say bored, because here I am typing away and entertaining myself. And trying to figure it all out, I suppose. Figure myself out...but then that right there makes me think back to Ayn Rand, and just how *simple* she seemed to make everything out to be, in ways...A is A. Yeah, I probably just need to read more of her. As far as immediate, practical problems go, part of this indifferent, unmotivated (yes, that is a BIG part of it as well!) mood I am in today is making me not want to even bother going to class today...