It came to me. I hate my job. I hate the way my professional life developed and will be developing in the next few months. I don't like to come here, talk to people, do things. I don't want to think about it.
I'm stuck in the middle. I can't really move forward, because I need to finish up my degree. But the mere thought of working here a day longer drives me insane.
Why is it so? Why am I so stressed out and I feel like the madness will take over?
Maybe I have wrong attitude. If you look at it as an optimist, you can probably see some positive sides. I have a stable income, I don't have to worry about survival. I don't have to live with or even near my parents. That's a relief after twenty-four years.
But then you get here and wonder - is it supposed to be so hard? Why can't it be simple? Come to work, do your job, get paid. Instead you need to get into some sketchy local politics. Give a little bit here, take a little bit there. Smile, always smile, smile is like an armor, even when you're a douchebag. I think most of the people here could kill with a smile on their faces. Some are probably even capable of killing with their smiles, they've grown so sharp over the years. The smile that says "we hate you, fuckers" like nothing else.
Oh, yes, they will be nice to you. "Would you like some tea, dear?" a nice old lady asks. She is so nice you don't see a blunt object behind her back. An object with which she will shatter all your dreams and devour them one by one, while you scream...
Yeah, maybe I'm exaggerating a bit.
The fact is public sector is vice. You'd say "C'mon, it's not like it's business, you just need to get to work everyday and do nothing bad". Sure, it's not so hard to survive, I mean, you get your mealticket every month. But not to lose oneself? Not to forget who you really are in the vastness of your loneliness?
How many people come here in order to do some good? To change something for better. After a few months you finally understand this machinery of administrative jungle and you think "hey, now I'm gonna do some good". Wrong!
They will tame and break you. They will pet and tease you until you become some kind of a scared furry animal trying to escape the predators. And when someone new will come along, you will find your prey. Oh yesss, my preciousss... You will devour their soul, if not for fun, then simply for them not to be better than you. Everything they've dreamed about, everything they've hoped for - it will become your obsession, your destiny to break them.
After all - we're all mad here, you cannot be different, darling.
I'm stuck in the middle. I can't really move forward, because I need to finish up my degree. But the mere thought of working here a day longer drives me insane.
Why is it so? Why am I so stressed out and I feel like the madness will take over?
Maybe I have wrong attitude. If you look at it as an optimist, you can probably see some positive sides. I have a stable income, I don't have to worry about survival. I don't have to live with or even near my parents. That's a relief after twenty-four years.
But then you get here and wonder - is it supposed to be so hard? Why can't it be simple? Come to work, do your job, get paid. Instead you need to get into some sketchy local politics. Give a little bit here, take a little bit there. Smile, always smile, smile is like an armor, even when you're a douchebag. I think most of the people here could kill with a smile on their faces. Some are probably even capable of killing with their smiles, they've grown so sharp over the years. The smile that says "we hate you, fuckers" like nothing else.
Oh, yes, they will be nice to you. "Would you like some tea, dear?" a nice old lady asks. She is so nice you don't see a blunt object behind her back. An object with which she will shatter all your dreams and devour them one by one, while you scream...
Yeah, maybe I'm exaggerating a bit.
The fact is public sector is vice. You'd say "C'mon, it's not like it's business, you just need to get to work everyday and do nothing bad". Sure, it's not so hard to survive, I mean, you get your mealticket every month. But not to lose oneself? Not to forget who you really are in the vastness of your loneliness?
How many people come here in order to do some good? To change something for better. After a few months you finally understand this machinery of administrative jungle and you think "hey, now I'm gonna do some good". Wrong!
They will tame and break you. They will pet and tease you until you become some kind of a scared furry animal trying to escape the predators. And when someone new will come along, you will find your prey. Oh yesss, my preciousss... You will devour their soul, if not for fun, then simply for them not to be better than you. Everything they've dreamed about, everything they've hoped for - it will become your obsession, your destiny to break them.
After all - we're all mad here, you cannot be different, darling.
