I feel heavy with everything. It's not even all bad. I wish I could share with the world how much I love Levi. I want to share with him how much I love him because lately it seems that I don't show it, and instead get annoyed with him. I'm beginning to detest myself for it. I feel heavy for the Earth, because all we ever do as a species is take from it, and now we don't even return anything. We are nothing, yet we take everything. It's sickening.
When I watch documentaries it only makes me more sad than I was before I watched it because I fear that the scenes I see will only be seen through a lens. That I'll never be able to see it with my own eyes, and breathe it in till my rib cage snaps with the expansion of my lungs. I'm so afraid for the earth and the world and the love that i have for Levi. I'm afraid that when I go to college Max will forget about me or die. I'm afraid I won't ever be satisfied with my life and I'll spend the rest of my days fretting over my unhappiness. Consciously I know that it's all up to me and that's what eats away at me most of all.
I don't want to be alone, but I don't want to be with people. I like being around others, but sometimes I just want them to be quiet.
I worry.
I'm afraid.
I love.
I'm angry.
Perhaps nothing will ever be resolved and I'll always be like this. It makes me feel broken. My brain is broken. This is not me. I am not an unhappy person, but that's where I'm headed.