I am depressed because my mother was depressed. I am unfortunate in the genetic lottery when my mother was diagnosed with chronic depression and since that fateful day, the chances of the disease infecting my mind and body rose significantly. I know this because my teacher told me, in front of the whiteboard she wrote of the biological explanations of mental illnesses: depression, self-fulfilling prophecy. I am the by product of people around me and it is exhausting to pretend that I am okay. Because I am not. Not okay. Not never. Just not right now.
Life is full of commas and stops, the latter being more metaphoric than the big and significant full stop. I am guilty of entertaining the thought that I want to rush this big and final stop, but I cannot do that to my family. I entertain the thought for a moment but then let go. That is another lie. I cannot let go. My mind is addled and muddled and I cry before I think before I speak. It is painful and though I know there is an end, I cannot feel it. That relieving stop, that end of a chapter that closes the glass doors behind you, never to cross over but you can stand from where you are and look back at all the shapes and silhouettes of people you call friends, friends you call strangers and strangers who became lovers at the instant you blew the candles out.
The symbol for infinity is a shapely eight laid on its side. I do not know what infinity is, ever far reaching I cannot expect anyone to understand--it was better if they did not know.
I cannot take back what I told them, my fears and my nightmares ceased not when I shared my world with my two best friends. I do not feel like they see me as theirs. My world is shrinking and that is not the case when you met someone you haven't seen for a long time and they cross your path on your way to Tesco's. My world is shrinking because I bite, I rip, I gnaw the hope that should split off into shoots of hope. I am scared. I am fearful and in that plane of existence, the opposite cannot thrive. I want to be the best that I can be but how I do that when I pretend everything is okay? How can I build myself when my foundation...
I need to put Christ and faith together and mix them to build my foundation.
I am exhausted, Heavenly Father. I am exhausted. I am exhausted. I am exhausted. I am exhausted. I am exhausted. I am exhausted. I am exhausted. I am exhausted. I am exhausted. I am exhausted. I am exhausted. I am exhausted. I am exhausted. I am exhausted. I am exhausted. I am exhausted. I am exhausted. I am exhausted. I am exhausted. I am exhausted. I am exhausted. I am exhausted. I am exhausted. I am exhausted. I am exhausted. I am exhausted. I am exhausted. Please help me. I am exhausted, please, please, help me. I cannot help the way I feel. I cannot stop crying.
And
Life is full of commas and stops, the latter being more metaphoric than the big and significant full stop. I am guilty of entertaining the thought that I want to rush this big and final stop, but I cannot do that to my family. I entertain the thought for a moment but then let go. That is another lie. I cannot let go. My mind is addled and muddled and I cry before I think before I speak. It is painful and though I know there is an end, I cannot feel it. That relieving stop, that end of a chapter that closes the glass doors behind you, never to cross over but you can stand from where you are and look back at all the shapes and silhouettes of people you call friends, friends you call strangers and strangers who became lovers at the instant you blew the candles out.
The symbol for infinity is a shapely eight laid on its side. I do not know what infinity is, ever far reaching I cannot expect anyone to understand--it was better if they did not know.
I cannot take back what I told them, my fears and my nightmares ceased not when I shared my world with my two best friends. I do not feel like they see me as theirs. My world is shrinking and that is not the case when you met someone you haven't seen for a long time and they cross your path on your way to Tesco's. My world is shrinking because I bite, I rip, I gnaw the hope that should split off into shoots of hope. I am scared. I am fearful and in that plane of existence, the opposite cannot thrive. I want to be the best that I can be but how I do that when I pretend everything is okay? How can I build myself when my foundation...
I need to put Christ and faith together and mix them to build my foundation.
I am exhausted, Heavenly Father. I am exhausted. I am exhausted. I am exhausted. I am exhausted. I am exhausted. I am exhausted. I am exhausted. I am exhausted. I am exhausted. I am exhausted. I am exhausted. I am exhausted. I am exhausted. I am exhausted. I am exhausted. I am exhausted. I am exhausted. I am exhausted. I am exhausted. I am exhausted. I am exhausted. I am exhausted. I am exhausted. I am exhausted. I am exhausted. I am exhausted. I am exhausted. Please help me. I am exhausted, please, please, help me. I cannot help the way I feel. I cannot stop crying.
And
