When hitchhiking, I feel connected to the present like at no other time, constantly observing my surroundings, tunning my strategy, appreciating the past that got me there, and smiling...looking toward my next ride that is another installment of my determined progression toward some abstract or clear geographical goal.
What could my future possibly be holding for me? Regardless of the answer, I must be grateful for my present, as it bears the fruit of my life, and I must accept the past and embrace my future. However, for some reason it is difficult to appreciate the future, when I do not have enough to look forward into the future, a grey future. I believe that it not the security of scheduled events in the future that I desire, it is the determined progression that is planned that secures me from my anxiety.
In this chapter in my life, I need to find an inner calming future, that can satisfy some of these needs. But since my concussion, my whole lifestyle, most of my thought patters, and my personality, have experienced as major shift toward the slippery slope of despair. Honestly, nothing could be more frustrating, as my optimism is what makes me who I am. A well thought out plan of the next two years of my life would takes years of stress off of my body and heart.
I need help though. Clearly. If this is where I end up in life on my own, I need help in planning my calming future. I am not in the least scared to ask for help, but how do I express my thoughts clearly...especially with this concussion...my anxious thoughts have had a heard time breaking through my swollen brain to meet outside world still intact. Hopefully my psychologist can help me out with these ideas and help my flesh out my feelings on my successful future. When then Adam, I have found something to look forward to...planning my future with my psychologist. Then hopefully alongside the people I love.
I wonder what the profound adjustment that I will make after this episode of my life is over. Right now I could just barely even speculate. Maybe it will motivate my to become more spiritual, or more organized, or more academic, or, the possibility even exists, to become trapped inside the cycle of grief and lethargy.
How can I possible express these ideas to the many people around me that have little to no idea what is going on, for they likely have large problems of their own that they have no idea how to solve either. This is my future, maybe not my first choice, but still a noble one.
What could my future possibly be holding for me? Regardless of the answer, I must be grateful for my present, as it bears the fruit of my life, and I must accept the past and embrace my future. However, for some reason it is difficult to appreciate the future, when I do not have enough to look forward into the future, a grey future. I believe that it not the security of scheduled events in the future that I desire, it is the determined progression that is planned that secures me from my anxiety.
In this chapter in my life, I need to find an inner calming future, that can satisfy some of these needs. But since my concussion, my whole lifestyle, most of my thought patters, and my personality, have experienced as major shift toward the slippery slope of despair. Honestly, nothing could be more frustrating, as my optimism is what makes me who I am. A well thought out plan of the next two years of my life would takes years of stress off of my body and heart.
I need help though. Clearly. If this is where I end up in life on my own, I need help in planning my calming future. I am not in the least scared to ask for help, but how do I express my thoughts clearly...especially with this concussion...my anxious thoughts have had a heard time breaking through my swollen brain to meet outside world still intact. Hopefully my psychologist can help me out with these ideas and help my flesh out my feelings on my successful future. When then Adam, I have found something to look forward to...planning my future with my psychologist. Then hopefully alongside the people I love.
I wonder what the profound adjustment that I will make after this episode of my life is over. Right now I could just barely even speculate. Maybe it will motivate my to become more spiritual, or more organized, or more academic, or, the possibility even exists, to become trapped inside the cycle of grief and lethargy.
How can I possible express these ideas to the many people around me that have little to no idea what is going on, for they likely have large problems of their own that they have no idea how to solve either. This is my future, maybe not my first choice, but still a noble one.
