come back looking like a bronzed god instead of the pasty 6'4 nerd I know him to be. It's going to happen. It did the last time he went away, and I didn't recognize him. I mistook him for one of the pompous dickwads I went to high school with. Sad mistake; pleasant surprise. This brings us to summer goal number two: Let's lose this glow-in-the-dark skin tone and actually get some color, and lose a little weight. Don't get me wrong, I'm not fat. Not even plump. By doctoral standards I'm at a healthy weight. But when you've got a 5'5 best friend who weighs 105 and you're 5'1 and tip the scales at 120, there's a bit of a contrast when standing side-by-side in bikinis by the pool. And I tan well. 1/8th Cherokee assures that. It's all a matter of how much patience I have for heat and sweat. This already seems like a bad idea.
Goal numero tres is a bit more... personal, let's say. It's not as simple as working out, or getting a tan. I need to find me again. That was what we mainly discussed. Unearthing ourselves from the emotional shit we're buried too deep under to even breathe. I feel like I need someone there. Like I'm lost without Neil, or Duke, or Charles, or hell, even Samantha. That was what I most resent about my relationship with Duke, the simple fact I let him make me dependent on having someone there. He took the part of me that was perfectly fine on my own, and warped it into some need-based instinct that makes me feel lonely, all the fucking time. I turned that on Neil, I clung to him like a life-raft the time we started speaking again until the time he left. I shouldn't have. I don't want to be "that" girl. I want to be able to stand on my own two feet again without needing someone to lean on. I miss that me. I miss the me that doesn't feel like she needs someone there to be happy.
I guess that's what this is all about, my change over the summer--hopefully--back to a happier, less confused, less sad/crazy/lonely me. This in other ways, is simply to compete with him; actually that's too harsh of a description. This is to see if I can keep up with him. We may not speak at the end of this summer, and by then, hopefully I'll be fine with that fact, but if we do, I want to be able to show him that I did change, and I have made self improvements. I want to be able to show him I can smile, and hopefully, he'll smile back.
Tomorrow is a new day. And with a new day comes change. I've always hated change. Let's try to fix that.
Goal numero tres is a bit more... personal, let's say. It's not as simple as working out, or getting a tan. I need to find me again. That was what we mainly discussed. Unearthing ourselves from the emotional shit we're buried too deep under to even breathe. I feel like I need someone there. Like I'm lost without Neil, or Duke, or Charles, or hell, even Samantha. That was what I most resent about my relationship with Duke, the simple fact I let him make me dependent on having someone there. He took the part of me that was perfectly fine on my own, and warped it into some need-based instinct that makes me feel lonely, all the fucking time. I turned that on Neil, I clung to him like a life-raft the time we started speaking again until the time he left. I shouldn't have. I don't want to be "that" girl. I want to be able to stand on my own two feet again without needing someone to lean on. I miss that me. I miss the me that doesn't feel like she needs someone there to be happy.
I guess that's what this is all about, my change over the summer--hopefully--back to a happier, less confused, less sad/crazy/lonely me. This in other ways, is simply to compete with him; actually that's too harsh of a description. This is to see if I can keep up with him. We may not speak at the end of this summer, and by then, hopefully I'll be fine with that fact, but if we do, I want to be able to show him that I did change, and I have made self improvements. I want to be able to show him I can smile, and hopefully, he'll smile back.
Tomorrow is a new day. And with a new day comes change. I've always hated change. Let's try to fix that.
