I'm not exactly sure where to begin in such a letter to you, but I'm trying my best. I want to show you, to convey these thoughts of mine where I can't seem to tell you. That's funny, though, I can't tell you anyways because you're not here anymore. Why did you move? Leave me far behind here? Don't answer those, this is supposed to be me answering your questions- not the other way around. I remember one day when you asked me "What's your favorite ice cream?" I didn't answer you, then, I just said "I don't know." It's crazy how one simple question like that has managed to turn my life completely upside down, made me question what should have been the most obvious and simple parts of my life. Maybe I'm not all I should be? Or maybe I'm not so sure of who I am then I thought I was. Who am I to know myself when I can't even tell you what my favorite flavor of a delicious dairy treat is? I'm rambling, now. But you would smile at this, I think. You always said I talked too much trying to fill the empty spaces inside my mind with words and images. Like, somehow I hadn't enough in there and I needed to fill it up more and more. Maybe you were right. You had a knack at that, being right, I mean. I thought it was kind of funny, how you were always right when I was hell-bent on thinking you were wrong. You'd think I'd learn something, eh? I guess it's like you said after all, I'm a hard-headed stubborn mule. But that's okay with me, because you liked me that way I think. You always smiled and laughed and... I don't really know but you were just... happy, I think. I think a lot it seems, especially when it comes to you. Maybe it's natural for a guy to think about a girl as much as I think about you. But it's never been quite the same with anyone else. I don't just think about you, I think about the world, it's deeper place inside my mind. Almost I say that you've taught me to think about the world in a way I never saw before. Like, you've shown me simple things I never noticed, the way the ants crawled in a line, all worked together. And how when you dropped an obstacle in their path they found a way over it, and if they couldn't they go around it. I think then you were making a statement about persistence and determination, but maybe I'm just over analyzing things now that you're gone. And it's really funny (or not really, but... ironic, maybe?) that I start to realize all of this, my feelings, the world, the undeniable all after you've left me. I can't... I just... I'm really not sure what else to write to you today, Jamie. I'm not sure how you're supposed to document these letters, but I'm going to do what I think, I suppose. No matter how incorrect I am.
Sincerely,
Me 11-26-10