Why do I feel so lifeless? Isn't summer supposed to be full of fun and excitement? Aren't I supposed to be overjoyed because of my graduation from high school? Well, I don't feel overjoyed. I feel sad. Remembering the people I may never see again, the teachers who hated at the beginning of the year then loved, and even the death of my favorite English teacher this year make me feel that the life stretching out before me contains nothing but emptiness.
At least in high school my days held a predictable pattern to rely on. Even when schoolwork became brutally hard and my brain screamed for release in May at the upcoming AP tests, I knew what the next day, the day after that, and even the next week would bring. Now I must face college, with no patterns and only a few friends.
Yes, I know I am a whiny crybaby. I should feel grateful for my citizenship in the United States and all the rights I possess. I should remember the people my age starving, dying, and worse in places like Africa. I am ashamed at myself for feeling sorry for myself. But everytime I think about my future life of choosing a career I feel empty. Gone are the days of elementary when I felt like I could do anything. Knowing my own personality, I know I possess an intelligent mind and the traits of a persistent worker who never gives up, but right now I almost feel like giving up. I have no idea of what the future might bring, which makes it frightening. When I think of my secure and safe "bubble" of high school, and realize I already reside outside of it, I long for the days of less responsibility and less worries than those that now plague my brain.
Now I realize how selfish I am. Virtually all the people who I come into contact with went through the same process of graduating, going to college, and choosing a career that I now face. What makes me better than them to wish I didn't have to go through the same process? Maybe the solution to my melancholy is to think about other people and focus on making the world a better place for the people around me and not just myself.
I know I should follow my own advice to think about others, but, as happens to most people, I probably won't listen to myself. The truth of the matter is that I am the only person who can change myself and decide to be happy as I go into the new time of my life. I am the only person who can decide to serve others and forget about myself. I am the only person who can decide what career path to choose. I see now that throughout my entire life I will be making decisions only I can make. But those decisions will affect more than just me. I'm leaving the protected bubble of my high school to discover who I am. So, thinking about what will become of my life isn't what scares me the most. What scares me the most is what I might find when I discover who I am, when I see through the layers of skin and flesh of my body to my spirit and personality. What if I'm a person not worth knowing? What if I am not capable of making a difference for the better in the world? Yes, that's what scares me.
At least in high school my days held a predictable pattern to rely on. Even when schoolwork became brutally hard and my brain screamed for release in May at the upcoming AP tests, I knew what the next day, the day after that, and even the next week would bring. Now I must face college, with no patterns and only a few friends.
Yes, I know I am a whiny crybaby. I should feel grateful for my citizenship in the United States and all the rights I possess. I should remember the people my age starving, dying, and worse in places like Africa. I am ashamed at myself for feeling sorry for myself. But everytime I think about my future life of choosing a career I feel empty. Gone are the days of elementary when I felt like I could do anything. Knowing my own personality, I know I possess an intelligent mind and the traits of a persistent worker who never gives up, but right now I almost feel like giving up. I have no idea of what the future might bring, which makes it frightening. When I think of my secure and safe "bubble" of high school, and realize I already reside outside of it, I long for the days of less responsibility and less worries than those that now plague my brain.
Now I realize how selfish I am. Virtually all the people who I come into contact with went through the same process of graduating, going to college, and choosing a career that I now face. What makes me better than them to wish I didn't have to go through the same process? Maybe the solution to my melancholy is to think about other people and focus on making the world a better place for the people around me and not just myself.
I know I should follow my own advice to think about others, but, as happens to most people, I probably won't listen to myself. The truth of the matter is that I am the only person who can change myself and decide to be happy as I go into the new time of my life. I am the only person who can decide to serve others and forget about myself. I am the only person who can decide what career path to choose. I see now that throughout my entire life I will be making decisions only I can make. But those decisions will affect more than just me. I'm leaving the protected bubble of my high school to discover who I am. So, thinking about what will become of my life isn't what scares me the most. What scares me the most is what I might find when I discover who I am, when I see through the layers of skin and flesh of my body to my spirit and personality. What if I'm a person not worth knowing? What if I am not capable of making a difference for the better in the world? Yes, that's what scares me.
