I.
A blank page. So simple. So frustrating. How does one fill up a page? Adjectives? Verbs? Nouns? Adverbs? Stories? Facts? Lies? Untruths? The mundane? The fantastical? Drama and comedy fill my days. I spend so much time thinking about drama. Daydreaming of confronting those in my life I'm too afraid to confront. Living a life in my own head that will never and can never exist can be, well, exhausting. When I am not creating scenarios where I tell off jerks, I am listening to podcasts that make me laugh, cry and think. I am fascinated by others' lives. I only hope and wish to be as funny or as informed as some of these people. I want what they have.
Perhaps that is where this could lead. I don't want to get ahead of myself, but if I could get some of my own creative thoughts or arguments written out, I may find I actually have something to say that others may find interesting or informative. Or I may just really enjoy writing for myself. I guess we'll just see what happens. Either way, I'm having fun being open and honest with myself right now. I never talk about these things.
Today Mrs. Sutherland came into the office. Mark was late for the appointment, so I was stuck waiting with her. I never know what to say in these situations so I usually end up just sitting quietly until he shows up. Fortunately, Mrs. Sutherland is a much better conversationalist than I. We somehow got onto the subject of teen pregnancies and adoption. She had known a few girls who had been pregnant in high school and put their babies up for adoption. Now, throughout this entire conversation, I was trying so hard to come up with anything to contribute but kept coming up short, as I almost always do at work. I am so socially awkward I can't even contribute to a normal, non-weather related conversation. It really is sad. Anyway, when the subject of adoption came up, a light went off in my brain: Jack & Ron! They adopted little Jimmy after his young mom died of cancer a few months back. That little two-year-old has brought so much joy to these men's lives, I figured it would be the perfect thing to talk about. So I waited for an opening, and was about to tell the story when I realized that this woman is eighty years old. Although she seems progressive enough, how will she handle it when I tell her the little boy was adopted by two gay men? Will she be disgusted? Will I freak her out? My idea suddenly seemed like a bad one. I instantly decided to only tell her about Jack, and not Ron. I left out the fact that he is gay. I hated myself right then and there. I tried hard not to focus too much on Jack but rather the fact that I look a lot like Jimmy's mom, so he tends to latch onto me when my husband and I are around. It didn't work. Immediately, she asked "It seems like a lot for one person to take on? What does he do when he's at work? And a man, that seems so strange?" I said, "Oh, he's got it all under control."
I was sickened. I could not believe I caved so easily. I find myself doing things like this every now and then. Okay, more than every now and then. Either way, I never want to offend. I'm sure it must have something to do with being a godless liberal. I have the power to offend old people and conservatives (and about 90% of my own family), just by existing. I suppose it is only logical that my neuroses would go right to that.
A blank page. So simple. So frustrating. How does one fill up a page? Adjectives? Verbs? Nouns? Adverbs? Stories? Facts? Lies? Untruths? The mundane? The fantastical? Drama and comedy fill my days. I spend so much time thinking about drama. Daydreaming of confronting those in my life I'm too afraid to confront. Living a life in my own head that will never and can never exist can be, well, exhausting. When I am not creating scenarios where I tell off jerks, I am listening to podcasts that make me laugh, cry and think. I am fascinated by others' lives. I only hope and wish to be as funny or as informed as some of these people. I want what they have.
Perhaps that is where this could lead. I don't want to get ahead of myself, but if I could get some of my own creative thoughts or arguments written out, I may find I actually have something to say that others may find interesting or informative. Or I may just really enjoy writing for myself. I guess we'll just see what happens. Either way, I'm having fun being open and honest with myself right now. I never talk about these things.
Today Mrs. Sutherland came into the office. Mark was late for the appointment, so I was stuck waiting with her. I never know what to say in these situations so I usually end up just sitting quietly until he shows up. Fortunately, Mrs. Sutherland is a much better conversationalist than I. We somehow got onto the subject of teen pregnancies and adoption. She had known a few girls who had been pregnant in high school and put their babies up for adoption. Now, throughout this entire conversation, I was trying so hard to come up with anything to contribute but kept coming up short, as I almost always do at work. I am so socially awkward I can't even contribute to a normal, non-weather related conversation. It really is sad. Anyway, when the subject of adoption came up, a light went off in my brain: Jack & Ron! They adopted little Jimmy after his young mom died of cancer a few months back. That little two-year-old has brought so much joy to these men's lives, I figured it would be the perfect thing to talk about. So I waited for an opening, and was about to tell the story when I realized that this woman is eighty years old. Although she seems progressive enough, how will she handle it when I tell her the little boy was adopted by two gay men? Will she be disgusted? Will I freak her out? My idea suddenly seemed like a bad one. I instantly decided to only tell her about Jack, and not Ron. I left out the fact that he is gay. I hated myself right then and there. I tried hard not to focus too much on Jack but rather the fact that I look a lot like Jimmy's mom, so he tends to latch onto me when my husband and I are around. It didn't work. Immediately, she asked "It seems like a lot for one person to take on? What does he do when he's at work? And a man, that seems so strange?" I said, "Oh, he's got it all under control."
I was sickened. I could not believe I caved so easily. I find myself doing things like this every now and then. Okay, more than every now and then. Either way, I never want to offend. I'm sure it must have something to do with being a godless liberal. I have the power to offend old people and conservatives (and about 90% of my own family), just by existing. I suppose it is only logical that my neuroses would go right to that.
