I'm angry. I am really fucking pissed off. I want to hit somebody. I want to hit some bodies. You are not even reading this and understanding what I am meaning. You are reading this and giving it your own goddamn meaning or agreeing with what I am saying but you don't fucking get it. I am MAD. I am mad at my fourth grade teacher who told me I had the worst handwriting she'd ever seen. I'm mad at the girls who convinced me I was fat when I was the skinniest girl in the grade. I'm angry that I've never had a good first. I'm angry that I let him touch me and I'm angry that I let it continue to affect me. I am fucking enraged that what I am may not be what I truly am because of my social surroundings. I'm ready to fucking kill because if I had been born 45 minutes later or if I had stayed in Ottawa or if my dad hadn't been kicked out of South Africa, I might be fucking sane. I'm angry that as intelligent as I know I am, I will never care enough to use it to the world's or my own potential. I am angry that I will never be a lawyer, doctor, engineer, biochemist, rocket scientist, marine biologist, because I am too fucking wrapped up in me and my needs and my wants. I'm angry that every day I step on the scale and hate myself a little more. I am angry no one is going to fucking help me to become happy. That I will have to do this on my own and that every godforsaken time I try I fail and become a thousand times worse. I hate that I bought pills on Tuesday. I'm angry that my drug dealer felt the need to text me Wednesday morning to make sure I hadn't overdosed. I am angry that everyone at my school things that I am an unintelligent slut who isn't worth shit. I'm angry the words can't fucking come fast enough when I have a real conversation, but here. Online they flow like the river in Hades and I hate that that sentence is so fucking dramatic. I hate the red, squiggly line underneath words like favourite, and neighbour. I hate what I have allowed myself to become. I hate the glimpses of a better me because then they're gone and I am back to horrible. I hate that I am a bad person. I hate that I know that. I hate that I do not give a fuck about anything anymore.

I can feel myself derailing.