There seems to be nothing to grab onto anymore, nowhere to turn. It's been weeks since I've slept, every minute I find myself glaring at the red numbers on the clock. I lay and I make out their shapes. This new monster is so hard to get a grip on. I am doing everything I am told, but still the urge to fight it all is there, and there is nothing that I can find to stop it. The more I fight the more I die. Why am I at war with myself? Am I so desperate to change myself that I have to tear down any structure that currently exists? I don't understand what is wanted of me. This furious being moving inside of me tearing at every emotion, every sense,every thing. I am being ripped to shreds in mere moments. Everything is coming to a crashing halt. What have I become? No one can see all that's transpiring. Every dream is supposed to mean something, and each dream is more frightening than the next..more heart wrenching, more shredding, more HURT. What am I doing!! Where have I gone? There is no way out, no returning to where I was before and now I am bearing everything head on. I am alone, I have to face a world of pain ALONE. I'm so angry. I'm so hurt. Sad eyes give way to peering onlookers that something is off but no one can actually see. No one senses the agonizing pain that I am in, no one sees the army of old monsters barreling at me. I am lost in something that is far too deep for me to understand, and I have to fight my way through my own barricades to even obtain a slight glimmer of light. I am far from happy and this is far from over.
I'll start here;
I am a little girl. There is a man in my family everyone likes him. No reason not to, he is just a man, a happy go lucky guy. I see it this way too, in appearance. I never let on my opinion on the matter.I think he may be a monster, but if no one else can see it who am I to let on, I am just a little girl. I often have this recurring dream, I am in the red house..I am in a dress and there's a wall of paintings in front of me, the most recognizable is the ship on a stormy sea. In this dream everything looks so smokey and faded but that ship is so clear. Next to me is a brass bird cage and a pretty white bird resting peacefully with no care of its smokey surrounding. As I sit and admire this painting and the others that I cannot currently recall, this happy man comes into the room. I say hello because that's what I am supposed to do, as he is not a stranger (though I think he may be a monster) I look up as he smiles at me, he gently sets his hand on my shoulder. After all of this transpires I lose the day, then night comes and time for bed is nearing, I have been in this red house all day, and its obvious I will remain for the night. All I remember now is screaming, and red satin sheets. I was just a little girl. I have had this dream night after night, year after year without relent.
I'll start here;
I am a little girl. There is a man in my family everyone likes him. No reason not to, he is just a man, a happy go lucky guy. I see it this way too, in appearance. I never let on my opinion on the matter.I think he may be a monster, but if no one else can see it who am I to let on, I am just a little girl. I often have this recurring dream, I am in the red house..I am in a dress and there's a wall of paintings in front of me, the most recognizable is the ship on a stormy sea. In this dream everything looks so smokey and faded but that ship is so clear. Next to me is a brass bird cage and a pretty white bird resting peacefully with no care of its smokey surrounding. As I sit and admire this painting and the others that I cannot currently recall, this happy man comes into the room. I say hello because that's what I am supposed to do, as he is not a stranger (though I think he may be a monster) I look up as he smiles at me, he gently sets his hand on my shoulder. After all of this transpires I lose the day, then night comes and time for bed is nearing, I have been in this red house all day, and its obvious I will remain for the night. All I remember now is screaming, and red satin sheets. I was just a little girl. I have had this dream night after night, year after year without relent.
