Today is just one of those days. Where I just feel kinda of, well...depressed. And blah. And unmotivated. And just...bored. Is it my surroundings? But really, my surroundings ideally shouldn't effect my overall self and mood, my inner feelings, because that's what I'm supposed to take control of and dictate, no matter what my surroundings are...right? I guess. I just notice sometimes lately, and Idk what it is exactly, if it's stress or dissatisfaction or what, but sometimes I will just feel this general inexplicable feeling of...dysphoria? Would that be the word? Where I almost feel like I just don't give a damn about anything around me? Is it because of drugs? Past or present? (if you want to include antidepressants and Adderall). Is there a way to just be completely happy, grateful, content, etc...no matter what is going on outside of me? (or outside of my control)...Like, I know things are beginning to stack/pile up before me, whether in the form of responsibilities, or...well, mostly in that form now that I think about it. Getting groceries I need, doing laundry, homework/studying for finals coming up, Kurt's going-away party this weekend, and so on and so forth until eternity I guess, right? Actually no, because that begs the assumption that I am immortal, so I don't really have eternity when I think about it. Just until whenever I guess. And you'd think constantly always being aware of that one crucial fact, whether subconsciously or consciously, would be enough to always have the motivation and productivity juices flowing, no matter what I am faced with. Well, unfortunately, for me that just seems easier said than done at times. Like right now. I guess I at least am feeling the motivation to type this blog thing out, but that's only because I don't exactly feel like doing anything else I technically should be doing right now. I guess this constant downpour outside doesn't quite help with my lack of enthusiasm to go outside and "conquer the world." I guess I just really feel like I've been grappling with my own personal, general outlook/philosophy on life these days...I feel like everyday, whether it may feel like I'm regressing or stagnating, and whether that be from anxiety/worry or lack of motivation or whatever, I feel like I'm always still constantly forming, molding and shaping some "worldview" or "sense of self" or whatever you want to call it...or at least trying to achieve something of the sort, trying to work towards discovering what that truly is, and should be, for me. Probably should be reading more Ayn Rand and the Bible, but that practically seems impossible to do while attending the U of M, time-wise and just atmospherically speaking. I really don't want to go to Norwegian today. I don't want to take the "little-over-1/2-a-mile" walk that's required for me to get back to where I need to be to do the things that are required of me to do. And yet, I know deep down inside that I have to, and ultimately will...just because, I guess. Because I know it's what is best, and that I've had to do much worse things, and that all these little burdensome hurdles I have to get past are just that...just temporary barricades on the way to something much better at the finish line. At least that's the hope anytway.