Today is November 15th 2010 and I've been motivated to use One page Per Day app to discipline my writing which tends to succumb to my deadly procrastination habit. Ah, procrastination. It's been my nemesis all my life but this past year it's really got me in its grips. In the past, my procrastination would spur me to work like mad at the last minute, be it academic, personal or work related and I never really suffered for it. I mean, not including lost hours of sleep. This past year, however, after I got laid off from the bank, I've been struck by severe paralysis. I simply could not get much done. This is procrastination bleeding over into depression. It frightens me.
I had a relatively well paying job with Canada's biggest bank, located in Toronto's Bay St (Canada's Wall Steet), with a good title (senior mgr) and prestige attached to it as per the perception of my fellow MBA friends. Getting laid off shook my confidence. Not just getting laid off but the manner in which it was done. After my leadership program I landed a position with the corporate HR group which was not a place I wanted to be in at all but due to cost management most hiring was in a freeze. I scrambled and got the position, to my regret. The understanding with the weak-willed wet noodle who was the SVP was that I was going to give one year to the group before he would help me move on. This is a guy who at first glance seems kind but then after repeated exposure I realized he was weak and off loaded difficult decision to his VPs, especially one woman who was a political animal. I was not a happy camper in that group. Nobody was. There were tantrums thrown (I witnessed several and tried to mediate) and backs stabbed. One new hire ended up being fatal to me. Robyn Fucking McKenna. The type of woman who speaks condescendingly to those she perceives her inferiors. As if they were in kindergarten. Passive aggressive. I didn't realize it then but her and the political VP knew each other from outside and the VP brought her to consolidate her group of insiders. At the first opportunity they had (when I took a three day holiday to Halifax) a decision was made to lay me off. All promises to me were discarded. Business is business, I suppose. Instead of the SVP, who hired me, telling me I was laid off, I had the bitch Robyn tell me. I was angry and humiliated. The SVP tried to contact to appease his conscience and I was perfunctory. It really wish I could have unloaded him and tell him exactly what I think of his and his shufffling, pigeon-toed walk but I cannot afford to burn bridges.
Looking back, I am not unhappy I was laid off. It's not an exagerration to say I was unhappy. One time, my friend Kem came to downtown Toronto to pay me a visit and she later told she was wondering who the middle aged, heavy black woman was heading towards her. It was me. My unhappiness was reflected in my appearance. I was very overweight, my skin was not great and my clothes dull. In my more honest moments, I think that my appearance might have affected people's impressions of me, negatively.
It's been 10 months and in that timeframe I have applied to maybe five jobs total. It's not been a total failure however. I resolved to get healthier and I have. Walking for 1.5 hrs at least 4 nights a week pluse 20 minutes of stretching and weights have shaped my body to the extent that I lost 35 pounds and several sizes. My old clothes from Montreal shopping excursions from 2001/2002 actually fit me. I took them out of storage cause I haven't tried them on in at least 7 years. Felt great. My skin glows, my hair is healthy and I walk with purpose and confidence. Unfortunately, my external look does not match my internal reality.
I had a relatively well paying job with Canada's biggest bank, located in Toronto's Bay St (Canada's Wall Steet), with a good title (senior mgr) and prestige attached to it as per the perception of my fellow MBA friends. Getting laid off shook my confidence. Not just getting laid off but the manner in which it was done. After my leadership program I landed a position with the corporate HR group which was not a place I wanted to be in at all but due to cost management most hiring was in a freeze. I scrambled and got the position, to my regret. The understanding with the weak-willed wet noodle who was the SVP was that I was going to give one year to the group before he would help me move on. This is a guy who at first glance seems kind but then after repeated exposure I realized he was weak and off loaded difficult decision to his VPs, especially one woman who was a political animal. I was not a happy camper in that group. Nobody was. There were tantrums thrown (I witnessed several and tried to mediate) and backs stabbed. One new hire ended up being fatal to me. Robyn Fucking McKenna. The type of woman who speaks condescendingly to those she perceives her inferiors. As if they were in kindergarten. Passive aggressive. I didn't realize it then but her and the political VP knew each other from outside and the VP brought her to consolidate her group of insiders. At the first opportunity they had (when I took a three day holiday to Halifax) a decision was made to lay me off. All promises to me were discarded. Business is business, I suppose. Instead of the SVP, who hired me, telling me I was laid off, I had the bitch Robyn tell me. I was angry and humiliated. The SVP tried to contact to appease his conscience and I was perfunctory. It really wish I could have unloaded him and tell him exactly what I think of his and his shufffling, pigeon-toed walk but I cannot afford to burn bridges.
Looking back, I am not unhappy I was laid off. It's not an exagerration to say I was unhappy. One time, my friend Kem came to downtown Toronto to pay me a visit and she later told she was wondering who the middle aged, heavy black woman was heading towards her. It was me. My unhappiness was reflected in my appearance. I was very overweight, my skin was not great and my clothes dull. In my more honest moments, I think that my appearance might have affected people's impressions of me, negatively.
It's been 10 months and in that timeframe I have applied to maybe five jobs total. It's not been a total failure however. I resolved to get healthier and I have. Walking for 1.5 hrs at least 4 nights a week pluse 20 minutes of stretching and weights have shaped my body to the extent that I lost 35 pounds and several sizes. My old clothes from Montreal shopping excursions from 2001/2002 actually fit me. I took them out of storage cause I haven't tried them on in at least 7 years. Felt great. My skin glows, my hair is healthy and I walk with purpose and confidence. Unfortunately, my external look does not match my internal reality.
