Second day in New York. It's been a nightmare. I have never been so manic probably. I took my trip supply of pill in one day. Now, after no sleep and so many thoughts in my head, my whole body is buzzing. The head part of the body is like kind of numb.
I have an appointment with dean in school tomorrow, so I'm catching the night bus to be there before 11. I don't have anything done for the meeting tomorrow. I have raced all across the neighborhood in search of the pills, none had them. I am in despair kind of. I am feeling kind of mixed up. From one side, I'm excited about all the events I am going to in NYC and in Boston. On the other side, I am afraid I will be crashing soon, and crashing hard, so that I won't enjoy neither of the events, and even get myself out of the apartment to actually go... What should I do?
I have done it without those damn pills before. I have LIVED before, maybe not perfectly, but lived, felt, did, moved forward. Now, I am just coping things into my notebook because that's what satisfies me nowadays. I am not living, I am floating between prescriptions fillings. From day to day, with them and without them, I am just in some form of reality, absurdity more. How do I get out of this state of almost being to the life of some sort?
I want life, I want happiness, all of this wants always end up in me popping another pill and busying my lifetime. I am more than that, my mind is precious (confirmed numerous times by others) I do not have a right to wreck it under a pile of pills. I want it better, not worse. I want to move forward, not backwards. How much time is it going to take for it to be at least the way it used to be before the pill haze? I don't want to over think every little thing. I want to ACT, act and move forward, take charge of my life. I have only one. And that only one have to be the way I see it. I want my life. I want to be the creator of it, not just a dreamer.
I have an appointment with dean in school tomorrow, so I'm catching the night bus to be there before 11. I don't have anything done for the meeting tomorrow. I have raced all across the neighborhood in search of the pills, none had them. I am in despair kind of. I am feeling kind of mixed up. From one side, I'm excited about all the events I am going to in NYC and in Boston. On the other side, I am afraid I will be crashing soon, and crashing hard, so that I won't enjoy neither of the events, and even get myself out of the apartment to actually go... What should I do?
I have done it without those damn pills before. I have LIVED before, maybe not perfectly, but lived, felt, did, moved forward. Now, I am just coping things into my notebook because that's what satisfies me nowadays. I am not living, I am floating between prescriptions fillings. From day to day, with them and without them, I am just in some form of reality, absurdity more. How do I get out of this state of almost being to the life of some sort?
I want life, I want happiness, all of this wants always end up in me popping another pill and busying my lifetime. I am more than that, my mind is precious (confirmed numerous times by others) I do not have a right to wreck it under a pile of pills. I want it better, not worse. I want to move forward, not backwards. How much time is it going to take for it to be at least the way it used to be before the pill haze? I don't want to over think every little thing. I want to ACT, act and move forward, take charge of my life. I have only one. And that only one have to be the way I see it. I want my life. I want to be the creator of it, not just a dreamer.
