Eventually, I called and scheduled the appointment with the genetic counselor. The weeks leading up to the appointment, I naively thought I would not be offered the genetic test at the first appointment. Pushing that option away allowed me to just think about everything I already knew about BRCA testing, which was a substantial amount, I was not an uninformed customer by any means. The weeks passed quickly and before I knew it my husband and I were waking up early to go to my appointment. That morning my nerves caught up with me and I remember having the first urge to not go to the appointment. At that very moment I wondered when I had become this person who wanted to remain ignorant? When had that happened?
Eventually, my name was called and my husband and I walked back to the genetic counselors office. She was very nice and didn't offend me. Immediately she launched into collecting my family history, which being substantial took awhile. Then, she turned to my husband and collected his family history which took like five minutes, tops. Oh, to be from a family of no great ailments. The counselor then launched into the genetics speech, what the BRCA gene is, the percentages, the choices I would have depending on the outcome of a genetic test and so on. I listened but was pleased that ninety-nine percent of the information, I already knew. See, I didn't need genetic counseling! I mentally patted myself on the back for being such an excellent student and was already planning what we would do after the appointment when the counselor brought out the box of the testing materials. "So, would you like to take the test today?", she offered.
My mind went blank. Absolutely, one-hundred percent, blank. For a good ten seconds, there was nothing in my head. Then, suddenly, wave after wave of thought crashed into my mind. "What??" "Why is she offering this now??" "I haven't decided!" "Do I really want to be like my mom's other sister and remain ignorant?" "Oh my god, when I did become like her?!?" "Seriously, get a grip. You'll take the test." "Do I really want to know?" "What if it's positive? Will I have the balls to go through with my original plan of action?" Wave after wave of thoughts hit my mind and retracted only to be replaced by another crashing wave of thought. I had waited so long for this opportunity and now that it was presented to me, I balked. Fear had it's grip on me and I wasn't sure which way to go. Do I enter the realm of black and white and know for sure whether I have the gene mutation or do I stay ensconced in the realm of grey, not knowing but always having the thought in the back of my mind?
Eventually, my name was called and my husband and I walked back to the genetic counselors office. She was very nice and didn't offend me. Immediately she launched into collecting my family history, which being substantial took awhile. Then, she turned to my husband and collected his family history which took like five minutes, tops. Oh, to be from a family of no great ailments. The counselor then launched into the genetics speech, what the BRCA gene is, the percentages, the choices I would have depending on the outcome of a genetic test and so on. I listened but was pleased that ninety-nine percent of the information, I already knew. See, I didn't need genetic counseling! I mentally patted myself on the back for being such an excellent student and was already planning what we would do after the appointment when the counselor brought out the box of the testing materials. "So, would you like to take the test today?", she offered.
My mind went blank. Absolutely, one-hundred percent, blank. For a good ten seconds, there was nothing in my head. Then, suddenly, wave after wave of thought crashed into my mind. "What??" "Why is she offering this now??" "I haven't decided!" "Do I really want to be like my mom's other sister and remain ignorant?" "Oh my god, when I did become like her?!?" "Seriously, get a grip. You'll take the test." "Do I really want to know?" "What if it's positive? Will I have the balls to go through with my original plan of action?" Wave after wave of thoughts hit my mind and retracted only to be replaced by another crashing wave of thought. I had waited so long for this opportunity and now that it was presented to me, I balked. Fear had it's grip on me and I wasn't sure which way to go. Do I enter the realm of black and white and know for sure whether I have the gene mutation or do I stay ensconced in the realm of grey, not knowing but always having the thought in the back of my mind?
