I wonder, though: could it possibly be that what's making me so uncomfortable is mindfulness? Am I just not liking the sensation of peace and awareness? Is it disconcerting not to have a crisis to handle?
Am I unhappy being happy?
Logically, that's ridiculous, of course, but that doesn't stop me from wondering if it's true. I've grown up in instability, and I might not prefer chaos and crisis, but at least I know what to do, how to handle it. It's peace that is startling to me in its oddity. It seems undeserved - too delicate to survive, too fleeting to melt into safely.
If I am unhappy being happy, it's because I don't trust it to last.
But isn't that what I always hated? That attitude of, if you let yourself relax and then something goes wrong, to moan about "oh, I knew it was too good to last". I'm just not even letting myself get to a place to moan about it. I need to really let go and float on this happiness - relax into the peace that I'm blessed with - because if I don't, aren't I not appreciating it properly? Aren't I not giving it its due if I keep sneaking around it and not looking at it straight on? It's almost disrespectful.
I feel uncomfortable if I haven't got a pile by my side, at all times, of Stuff To Get Through. More busywork, paperwork, silly work. I'm not knitting mittens for poor people or anything useful like that. I'm just passing paper around - or its digital equivalent.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F_fUeNdCe-I
I hadn't planned to be where I am. I guess the biggest shake-up of my adult life was April 1, 2006: calling off the wedding. Had that day not happened, I'd be married for four years now. I'd probably have a child. I'd be spending an awful lot of my life on Staten Island, surrounded by - well, Staten Islanders.
I try not to be a judgmental or prejudiced person, but I don't think I'm very good at it.
Anyway,
Am I unhappy being happy?
Logically, that's ridiculous, of course, but that doesn't stop me from wondering if it's true. I've grown up in instability, and I might not prefer chaos and crisis, but at least I know what to do, how to handle it. It's peace that is startling to me in its oddity. It seems undeserved - too delicate to survive, too fleeting to melt into safely.
If I am unhappy being happy, it's because I don't trust it to last.
But isn't that what I always hated? That attitude of, if you let yourself relax and then something goes wrong, to moan about "oh, I knew it was too good to last". I'm just not even letting myself get to a place to moan about it. I need to really let go and float on this happiness - relax into the peace that I'm blessed with - because if I don't, aren't I not appreciating it properly? Aren't I not giving it its due if I keep sneaking around it and not looking at it straight on? It's almost disrespectful.
I feel uncomfortable if I haven't got a pile by my side, at all times, of Stuff To Get Through. More busywork, paperwork, silly work. I'm not knitting mittens for poor people or anything useful like that. I'm just passing paper around - or its digital equivalent.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F_fUeNdCe-I
I hadn't planned to be where I am. I guess the biggest shake-up of my adult life was April 1, 2006: calling off the wedding. Had that day not happened, I'd be married for four years now. I'd probably have a child. I'd be spending an awful lot of my life on Staten Island, surrounded by - well, Staten Islanders.
I try not to be a judgmental or prejudiced person, but I don't think I'm very good at it.
Anyway,
