I don't know whether I should be honest or not.
If I tell her about what I did, she will leave me, take away my house, my dreams, my plans. Her love. And I do love her. With all my selfish heart I love her, but she used to be....awful. She treated me awful. Emotional vampire. A bitch. Horrible. And I knew things would get better eventually and that she'd never leave me. So I cheated. Harshly. More
than once. Physically, emotionally. Still am. I fell for the little bit that someone was willing to give me that my girl just wasn't.
But I sit here and my now fiancee is holding this cake and these candles and she is trying so hard to make up for when she was awful. And I'm supposed to blow when I really want to cry. Hard. Ugly nasty sobs so she could see how sorry sorry sorry I am because everything is okay now and all of the repulsive regret that I never felt (not once) is coming in waves and harsh flickers. I want to apologize. I want to apologize and get slapped and get over it. I want her to leave me.
Why do I feel bad? Why do I feel bad? She hated me. Hung up on me sometimes when I called crying. Let me lay in my bed, dealin with the death of my Mawmee without my best friend, my girl. She didn't care and so I went to someone else. I went to someone else. I went to someone else and assumed she did too. I assumed that she wanted someone else which is why when I called her and I bawled and begged her to come and lay with me and just lay there and let me convert some of the misery into something else, something less sharp. She sighed disgustedly. She was selfish and now she's admitting it by moving me into this new place and proposing and being a great girl. Great girl.
But the other girl was great too. The other girl was great. 'The Other Girl'. What a bitch I am. 'The Other Girl'. She doesn't even get a name. She doesn't deserve one really. She was....what she was. Its just....I don't know, what....
Do I blow the candles out and let it go? Or do I admit something? Do I allow her to get mad? I should have told her when I was mad. I should have told her when I was mad and I couldn't care what she felt. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do. She's staring at me and the candles are so few but so bright and I don't know how to make things right again. I don't know how to look at this buttercream apology and blow on them and be okay. Blow.
If I tell her about what I did, she will leave me, take away my house, my dreams, my plans. Her love. And I do love her. With all my selfish heart I love her, but she used to be....awful. She treated me awful. Emotional vampire. A bitch. Horrible. And I knew things would get better eventually and that she'd never leave me. So I cheated. Harshly. More
than once. Physically, emotionally. Still am. I fell for the little bit that someone was willing to give me that my girl just wasn't.
But I sit here and my now fiancee is holding this cake and these candles and she is trying so hard to make up for when she was awful. And I'm supposed to blow when I really want to cry. Hard. Ugly nasty sobs so she could see how sorry sorry sorry I am because everything is okay now and all of the repulsive regret that I never felt (not once) is coming in waves and harsh flickers. I want to apologize. I want to apologize and get slapped and get over it. I want her to leave me.
Why do I feel bad? Why do I feel bad? She hated me. Hung up on me sometimes when I called crying. Let me lay in my bed, dealin with the death of my Mawmee without my best friend, my girl. She didn't care and so I went to someone else. I went to someone else. I went to someone else and assumed she did too. I assumed that she wanted someone else which is why when I called her and I bawled and begged her to come and lay with me and just lay there and let me convert some of the misery into something else, something less sharp. She sighed disgustedly. She was selfish and now she's admitting it by moving me into this new place and proposing and being a great girl. Great girl.
But the other girl was great too. The other girl was great. 'The Other Girl'. What a bitch I am. 'The Other Girl'. She doesn't even get a name. She doesn't deserve one really. She was....what she was. Its just....I don't know, what....
Do I blow the candles out and let it go? Or do I admit something? Do I allow her to get mad? I should have told her when I was mad. I should have told her when I was mad and I couldn't care what she felt. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do. She's staring at me and the candles are so few but so bright and I don't know how to make things right again. I don't know how to look at this buttercream apology and blow on them and be okay. Blow.
